Something Just To Have A Post To End The Year

 I have not been updating this blog for quite a long while. Pandemic, and all, busy, lazy, not very much motivated to post anything. It's been a year since we moved to Binangonan. The travel from home to work and back leave me feeling physically exhausted almost all the time. I turned 41 this year, so my body was not as strong as I wanted it to be. But this time i'ts more what I need, strength, both physical and mental. But how? (I'm grateful that we are not paying rents anymore, such a nice wonderful feeling)

I have been watching a lot of motivational and spiritual videos. I have seen quite a few interesting spiritual teachers. I started practicing what they teach and I think it's good. If it's helping me and my anxious thoughts, I think so. I need to train my  mind to focus and control my thoughts.

Friends. This year, I felt that I did not have any. This one friend did not even bother to ask how I have been doing when I apologized that I did not prepare them gifts because all my money was used for my mother's hospital bills. Was I just being over sensitive? Friend, tell me.

This year, a lot of people I know, have lost a loved one. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for them. It always remind me to be grateful I still have my loved ones. 

I pray and wish that this coming year will be the start of the better years that was not in 2020 and 2021. And at the same time, I have to trust that whatever happened is all part of the great divine that is the Universe fulfilling what is just suppose to happen. I'm out of right words here. My thoughts are scrawled.

This year was not the best but I'm grateful. For life. 

Hello 2018! (What I Should Title My First Post for 2018)

I'm typing from my office computer. It's lunch break. The lights are out and I still have twenty minutes to spare. Most people are still on vacation but I'm not jealous. I'm happy with the past few days I was able to spend with my family.

The weather is perfect outside. It must be rainy in some part of the archipelago. I love it when the sun do not glare at me like it's throwing all its energy. I love it when the clouds are drifting by like they are shielding me from the heat. It's just so perfect outside.

Fresh start. Clean slate. I'm not a "new year, new me" fan but I love the "brand new start" ideas, only that you can start doing it anytime. Not every after three hundred sixty five days. The goal or willingness to make a change can be started once anyone decides to do it. So if I feel like I'm tired of something and want to change it, I'll do it now. Because time is important, and if it's something good, there's no better time than do it now!

But for the sake of new year, I'm going to make some new years resolutions. That would be to read more and write more because I really wanted to improve my writing. And to use all the pages of my recently acquired 2018 planner. And last, my quest to keep on improving myself continues. I am looking forward to a better version of me in the coming years.

And, also, before I forget, I will still keep on being grateful for life everyday. I believe that all the blessing that God has already prepared for me is just out there waiting for me to receive them. I thank God for all these wonderful things He gave and done for me. Thank you God!

Let me end this post with a quote I have found from one of my favorite blogs:

" Instead of treating myself like something broken that needed fixing, I began looking for my potential and making progress with the things I’m doing right."  - Lisa Manterfield

I have been learning to love myself the right way because only then I can learn to give more love to the people who matters (and even those who don't) in my life.

Happy new year to all!

Dear Ex-Friend

It's been a long time. I remember the old days when we were in school. I had this heavy mix of emotions as I recall those days we spent together. I was happy, but remembering them now, it felt odd.

Why this letter? I have doubts you would ever find this, but this is the only way I know to let this out. For the first and last time.  Somehow, I felt like you needed to know. After all these years.

It all came back when I saw a photo of myself wearing a blue shirt and red sneakers. I told myself you would hate or laugh at me because you were such a monochromatic person. I wasn't. I smiled at myself because for sure you would tell me I looked like the Philippine flag. And then memories came all flooding back...

Our friendship had a wonderful start. We instantly clicked like twins separated at birth and had only met for the first time at age seventeen. The two of us and the rest of our friends were like pieces of a puzzle that perfectly fit when put together. And I want to thank you for those happy moments...

Later then when school was over, and real life began for all of us, our friendship was tested by time and, probably change. Many things had happened that I thought to myself maybe I had only misinterpreted your actions, or the words you said so I let it all pass by and never held it against you. But at the end I only realized that you did not really change. That was what you really were to me all along. 

I didn't hate you. I hated the way you treated me and I was hurt like hell. I was miserable when I was jobless, and all I got was you on the phone talking about your glorious job and told me only those with the nicest smiles could join your company. That was one of the worst so I decided that maybe you were not the right person to run to when I needed comfort. It was a little too late to realize...

Years ran by, and after many desperate attempts to avoid you (that I had succeeded in most) I never lost the hope that things would change for the better. And they did. But you, did not. I still felt that same feeling when we're together that it wasn't a genuine love and respect for a friend that was supposed to be there from the very beginning. It almost came down to thinking you were just insecure, but who was I to ever thought of that.  It never really felt home with you. All I ever wanted was to run away from your presence all the time. It never felt right anymore.

Past forward to now, as I am typing this, I am okay with or without you, with the memories of the past, and our relationship now that I had painfully worked hard on.  And I'm glad about it. The pain and grudges are long gone and surely it will never come back because that chapter in my life has been closed already. It took me completing two stages of grief, and quite a number of self-pity to become the strong person that I have become to finally let go of that ugly part of my life which was our so-called friendship. 

I'd probably see you occasionally, maybe share drinks (in our case food) with you and come home not even thinking about the past anymore. I'm happy. I hope you are happy with your life too. And if fate and circumstance allow, we could start fresh and be good friends. But not for now. Because the wounds are healed but the scars are still clear. I wish you all the best in life!


Xoxo,
Claire

I'm Not Sure I'm Back, Just Want To Let You Know I'm Still Human

It's been six months since my last post, do you guys call that hiatus? Honestly I don't know why I stopped blogging when I promised myself I will push my best to keep this blog updated. Sorry self, I was not able to fulfill that promise. Six months is a long time and there is no excuse. Sorry self if I stopped visiting this blog for a while in exchange for a blogging platform that helped me earn some little money! Yes, husshhh......

I don't know when will I be back to this place, my hiding place. Not because I already lost my love for it, but because I am sure to myself I would be posting a lot of emotional stuff about life. It's been a roller coaster ride for my life lately, and it's something serious that I can't even motivate myself to share about it through this blog. But I will one day.

I missed my friends here, are you guys still there and do you still know me? I hope I am not forgotten because I will never forget the hugs (through your comments) that you have given. You are my friends though not in real life because you have touched my heart. Okay no more drama, there's plenty of time for that in the near future.

Anyway, this is my recent photo. I edited it and I think I look pretty in that photo (thank you photo editing apps for making me beautiful!). Thank you for reading!

My First Answered Prayer

I was young, about seven years old. It was a summer vacation, and all the kids in the entire neighborhood spend the whole day playing outside their homes. We would only stop playing at noon to eat lunch and had a few time for a forced nap, then go back in the fields or just in the play ground running, screaming, and pretending we were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I had the happiest childhood I could not have asked for more.

One of those days, I saw a group of boys riding a bike. There was only one bike, and the boys, about three of four of them would alternately ride it, each taking their turns. It was not an ordinary bike, but it was a big bike the ones adult would ride. Then there was a second bike, roaming around the field, and a girl was riding it. I recognized it was my friend Luna. The ground was dry and flat and dusts would rise up when the bike passed by.  She was riding the bike by herself, no one had taken turns with her. She was so good riding that bike, should would even stood from the seat and she even beat the boys if they were racing. I admired how she did it. That very moment, I wished I could ride the bike the way she did. But we did not have a bike, would could not buy a bike even the smaller ones the kids would play with. It would cost us a month worth of food.   

That night I whispered a prayer to God. “Lord, I want to learn how to ride a bike like Luna does, she’s just so good. I know I can do it too, only if we had a bike”. I still remember that was the very first time I prayed from my heart.

A few years later, a neighbor had to leave her house for a vacation in her home town with her husband and son. She was actually my friend because I was very fond of his son which was still a baby at that time. I used to spend a lot of time in her house while borrowing comics. I love reading Darna and Gagay, and she bought those comics regularly to keep updated with the story. She left and told my parents to watch their house for them. Her husband owned a bike, and she left it to my parents care instead of leaving it inside the house. She said we might want to use the bike while they were still away.  I remembered the time I so desired to learn how to ride the bike, then remembered my prayer….

Photo by Sira Anamwong via FreeDigitalPhotos

I had the bike all by myself. It was summer vacation so I took the bike and learned how to ride it. I taught myself so hard. I fell many times, and though it was the Lent, and my mother would get so angry because she believed staying outside on Good Friday would bring bad luck, or if I get wounded the wound would not heal. I succeeded and learned to ride the bike so well. I was so proud of myself. I could even ride a bike they way boys did.

I remembered my prayer and I realized that God really answers prayers especially if the praying person deserved it.  Maybe God won’t answer prayers on our terms, but according to His will, in His time or maybe not at all if it’s not for something better.

Flashback Friday: I Had Weight Issues Too!

When people, most of the time fellow women, tell me "buti ka pa payat" I often get that "If you only knew" reaction in my mind. I'm not sure if it shows in my face because until now, at my age, I still have doubts if I should take those kind of remarks as compliments or just a simple comment. I am guilty that instead of just saying "thanks" I'd just answer "tataba din ako"or "oo nga eh" in a regretful tone. Little did they know about those years I had suffered about being the extreme opposite of fat...

When I was young, as young as before and during teenage years, I was very skinny. So thin you could mistake me for Olive Oyl's fraternal twin. I was dark, I had big sunken eyes like that of most Indian's, an ugly birthmark on my neck, and my signature smile - big uneven toothed :)! Yes, I had all the reasons to wallow in self pity because of how I looked when all the girls my age started looking like grown beautiful and sexy young women.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici via FreeDigitalPhotos

I became very shy and always conscious about myself. When I go out I always had people telling me
"You're so thin, do you even eat?", "You look like a walking bamboo stick" "The wind might blow you away", "You look like Palito", and some things I do no even remember anymore. I felt so freaking ugly I can still imagine feeling the pain until now. I never wore shorts when the girls my age were proud of their shapely legs. I never wore tops that hug my body because they told me I should wear loose clothes so I would look bigger. I never attended parties because no one would find me interesting and sure I was going to be the wallflower anyway, and the boys are the ones that often teased me. I felt like people would always just look at my body and make it a butt of jokes. So I defended myself with being masungit. I became awkward with people, especially with boys. I became very uncomfortable when people look or stare at me.

There was no one to ever told me that I was beautiful even if it just to make me feel better so I was led to believe that I was really ugly...

Back to 2013, my story is not the ugly-duckling-turned-into-a-swan thing because I don't think I have ever evolved into a beautiful woman, at least not (even half of) the kind of women you see in Vogue or FHM.(But I have to believe in myself that I am beautiful because if I did not nobody else will, no matter how cliche it may sound). I'm just saying that I'm thankful now that I'm so over those years. I don't look like or act like that young girl anymore but I'm glad that I now am not that so conscious with the way my body looked. Still I don't have much confidence in myself now but I have learned to love the way I am and be thankful that I am blessed in a lot of ways. If there is something that I should strive to improve, it is my outlook and my over-all being as a woman that I know has a lot more need of improvement. And most of all, I am just thankful to God for the life with so much opportunities around for that!

That's just about it.

Happy weekend and have a life full of purpose! :)

Song For My Ladies

Sure the song rings a bell because it became a part of a popular shampoo brand tv ad. It's been one of my all-time favorite girl power song that I don't get tired listening (and dancing) to it. It's catchy and the lyrics are just perfect for the modern day women, that's us!  If you happen to be unfamiliar with the song, please read the lyrics below, and, admit it, that woman in the song is YOU! :)

Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield.

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined

I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, on one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself with words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

I break traditions, sometimes my tries are outside the lines

We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself with words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Watch the video in Youtube

Quote and Tie

"The greatest struggles are not fought on the world's battlefields; they are fought in human hearts as men and women war with pressures within which often defeat them. The real enemies are forces such as fear, worry, inadequacy, inferiority, anger, frustration, and the inability to cope"

 From the book Winning Your Inner Struggles by Harold J. Sala

Confessions Of An Impatient Bride (A Book Recommendation)

www.shepherdsvoice.com.ph

Hi! If I'm not mistaken this is my first book review for this blog. Anyway, I hope to write more book reviews here as to document the ones I have read.

So this book was bought as present to a friend way back 2009 pa. I already forgot the details of the book but I am strongly recommending this to all the single ladies out there whose hopes of finding real love starts to fade. It's a real life experience of Rissa Singson-Kawpeng, a beautiful woman who met her man at the age of 38, and all the stories that account to finally finding the love of her life. It's a light read, I finished the book in two nights.

 When I read the book, I can imagine the author telling those stories to me personally. It was supposed to be a present but I tore the plastic cover and decided to read it before I gave it to my friend. Sorry, I know I was not suppose to do that but I was tempted. I told this to my friend and she said that was okay. And she loved the book, she told me it helped her enlightened in so many ways. I just suddenly thought about this because Valentine is coming (although I am not a valentine fanatic). It's available at Natinal Bookstore at a very affordable price. So there, I hope this is a helpful recommendation. Have a nice day!

Welcome 2013!

A few more days and we’ll be saying goodbye to 2012. Time flies so freaking fast, what did I do with 2012? I guess I have spent so much time at work, television and sleep. I guess I was not that productive this year. My! I have wasted some precious time.  Well, here comes 2013! I still have another chance and make the most out of it, right?

Maybe some of you feel the same way like I do. Perhaps you’ve been wondering what happened to your 2012 too. Well, that’s past; we can never take it back. There’s no sense in crying over spilled milk so let’s shake this feeling off.

While browsing some forums I found this very inspirational quote from Edith L. Pierce:

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called “Opportunity” and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.”

I find this quote very inspiring.  Personally, I am not a new year fanatic. I don’t make new year’s resolution although I know I have so much to change in myself. I don’t buy round fruits or wear polka dotted clothes on new year’s eve, or follow any of those superstitions taught by our old folks. Maybe they would hate me for it, sorry! :)

Well, just what the quote above says, we are the ones to put words on the blank pages of the book that represents our lives. I know some things are beyond our control, but how we are going to respond to it or look at it lies to ourselves.  We decide on how we look at life. I will decide how my life would be. What will happen to my life years from now, I am not so sure but I know what I would want it to be. I hope you too will decide how would you like your life to be or at least with the way you look at life.

Happy 2013 to everyone!