Wedding And Then Some

It's Sunday morning. I heard the rain from inside the house earlier but the sun is shining now. I'm here at the mall alone, ( I treated myself a cup) sipping my cafe latte doing nothing so I'm typing this post using my phone. My husband is busy, enjoying the charity ride with his group somewhere in Montalban. He loves to bike, so I let him ride with a group of other bike loving men once in a while. Today is fathers day, but since my father has been gone for years now and my husband has not fathered a child, I have to dismiss this loneliness that could loom anytime.

I had a great week that passed. I attended a wedding last June 9 where it was also my first time as a principal sponsor. In Filipino tradition, principal sponsors act as godparents to the couple, and though I feel a little too young (at 37) to be their godmother, it was okay. In fact I was excited since the last formal wedding that I attended was my own, which was eleven years ago. And I'm happy because the bride is a close friend and know a lot about their love story and I know they are going to be good husband and wife and future parents. The best part of the ceremony was the kissing the bride part. It's probably a once in a lifetime experince to witness a couple's first kiss on their wedding day, I know if you're reading this, you won't believe it but it's true. So I put my phone away (i know almost everyone is recording) and just enjoy the moment. And I feel so happy for the couple it almost made me cry. Almost :)

Also this week, my husband and I celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. We made it past ten!!! I often joke about it telling him "Wow, ( number of years) na nating tinitiis ang isat isa!" (Wow, we've been enduring each other for ( number) of years!) And we would just laugh about it. The past eleven years were a lot of highs and lows, and rock bottom for me. But we're still here and I'm happy to have him and we're growing old together. We don't have much but I'm happy and I'm so grateful for that.

It's been raining this past week. On the other side, it's nice to have a little lot of rain after weeks of humid weather that made every fold of my body sweat. Rain falls and sun shines and clouds roll by alternately at this time. A few days ago, a pregnancy announcement breaks my all-okay-I-can-face-life's-challenges-happy self. I asked the air under my chin when will this feeling ever end? As much as I wanted to be happy for that person, the pain in every fiber of me is so strong, it consumes me until surrendering to this heartache is all I could do. I want to be happy for their happiness but it feels like I'm trying to light a candle with a wet matchstick during a big storm. It's me and really sorry for feeling this way. Infertility sucks.

The mall is getting crowded now. I could use a few hundreds to buy something to reward myself for being a good wife, daughter, aunt, employee, and finishing summer classes for my graduate studies. Bye for now :)