Last night, I wrote in my journal what I was supposed to write for the last day of January. I had missed three weeks of journaling. But even though I failed at one of my goals to write at my journal everyday, I'm glad that January is over. I failed in the month I hated the most. The year started out fine with me, my hopes were high and my spirit was all positive. But things changed in the middle, and I was back to my old self. Worried, hopeless, and self-pitying.
Two Fridays ago, I was browsing my friends' list in Facebook. I had unfollowed a lot of people and I decided to check some of them, how they'd been doing after years of not getting an update. Then I saw one college friend who looked so thin in her display picture, and got curious because she was extremely overweight when we were in college. I looked at all her pictures and saw that two former colleagues work with her now, along with some of my classmates in graduate school. What a small world. These two old colleges have already finished their MBA's, my college classmate looked like she's still getting her degree, and I have known that my MBA classmate is just completing his thesis. They are all in the same company, that government owned company who gets the biggest appropriation from the national budget. No, I think they're second with DPWH! hahaha!
And so the emotion began. I self pitied and felt so sorry for myself for being a failure. They have good jobs, earning maybe three times more than I do, and have their MBA's while I'm stuck at home after work washing my husbands underwear. I cried lying on the cold floor for how many hours until I remembered I had to cook rice and it was already late. Like a movie scene, but the loneliness was real.
When would luck ever strike me? I never asked for much. I just wanted a life where I could help my family and provide for our needs. Just needs. I have done my part, I have tried, I have worked hard, I have been honest, I have integrity, I have been a good person. And what?
If this was my destiny, so should I just stop working hard and just let things be since all my efforts would just be wasted?
I want to give you some comforting words but deep inside, I'm another broken and hopeless person. :( I don't know if this will make you feel better, I hold on to the belief that we will have our own time. Some achieve their success early, some will take years. A little analogy, Barrack Obama became president at 47 years old, Donald Trump was 70. Barrack succeeded, but retired way before he turned 60. Trump was a business man in is entire life, he started government service at 70 years old.
ReplyDeleteAs for Facebook, a friend once told me... what you see in Facebook is probably only 1/4 of the real status of someone else's life. They may look happy and successful, but deep inside, they have struggles, some even are not really happy with their life. Social media is both a source of inspiration and frustration.
I also have days like yours. I have self-pity moments. When I took my MBA, I have friends who left earlier, they graduated way ahead of time. I was left on my own, struggling to finish my paper. I may have finished late but I don't ever regret it. I took my time, I followed my own own pace. If I followed the rush and pace of my classmates, I would have probably finished the program in a lousy way. I will never be proud of my work.
Take your time. Set aside the pressures. I love this altered version of a popular quote
She believed,
She Could
..... but she was tired
So she rested and you know what?
The world went on and it was ok
She knew she could try again tomorrow
Hi Diane! Thank you for the quote I like it, I love quotes but hate those ones that offers false hopes. This one is very realistic.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your words of wisdom, I don't know what to say, I know you are younger than me but you seem to have a lot of experience and more emotionally matured. I rarely get this feeling anymore, I have accepted and made peace with my situation in life, but that time it hit me so bad. And the worse is that I never get to share this to anyone, not even to my husband. I felt so all alone and this blog is the only friend that I have, my crying shoulder. I never really expected that somebody would read this :)
Thank you, I appreciate this so much.
Today, I went to the beachfront with my kids. I found a sea
ReplyDeleteshell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said "You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear." She placed the shell to her ear and
screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear.
She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but
I had to tell someone!