Almost June, Forty, Angry

This morning, I realized that it’s almost June. It’s almost half of the year. It’s almost my fortieth year of being alive. I don’t want an emotional post. But I have been very emotional since this pandemic turned our lives a hundred and eighty degree turn, and it just happened to be started in the year I should be forty. But, still I am grateful to be alive.  Sometimes I don’t like the feeling of being grateful. Sometimes I hate to think that I should be thankful because others are experiencing worse than I do. Be thankful to be alive because others die? That’s life. We will all die anyway. This is just how the way things are, right?

So I should be grateful that I still have a job. A lot of people have no jobs to go back to after the quarantine, and I’m thankful to God. I can’t be jobless. This was what has been worrying me so much since the lockdowns began and companies started suffering losses. My company was not spared. My company caters to McDonald’s for its sundae needs, and who buys this sundae while quarantined at their homes. We cater to restaurants and other food establishments, and so we have been losing money for two months now.  This morning, an email from human resource told us that we will be only allowed to work four days a week or thirty two hours to cut costs. Still better than losing a job.

Like I said, I can’t be jobless. It’s so difficult because this is my only source of income and I’m technically a breadwinner. My husband’s job is not permanent. He had not have a permanent job in years.  If his company lays off employees, he’s at the front line. Thankfully, he still has his job. My mother’s pension is so small it’s just enough for her medicines. I have obliged myself to support her even if she never asked me to.  I was worried that what would happen to us if I lose this job and who knows how difficult it would be to get a new one. People who know me assume I don’t worry about money because I don’t have children. We eat, we pay rent, we wear clothes, we use electricity too. I buy milk for two adults. I spent for the same things parents are spending, except of course for children stuff and tuition fees. But we don’t earn a lot. I am an average earner, I don’t event think I belong to the middle class bracket (who afford cars btw) I’m way down below.  I’m still as broke like most Filipinos who need government aids in time of pandemic. 

I was glad when we were allowed to go back to work last May 18. I was also able to receive salary even on no work days because I still have unused vacation leaves and portion of our 13^th month pay was released. Half a month salary was also given by my company as compassionate pay. But right now, the little money that I saved is running low. Now that we have less work days that meant lesser salary and no overtime work, I should start spending on a really tighter budget. Tighten the belt as the old folks say, but make it a little more tighter. Like I would eat vegetables everyday, with dried fish instead of fresh. Continue buying cheaper alternatives instead of  my usual trusted brands of laundry and bath soap, bread,  and other things I need to go on living.

I have also been thinking of having another source of income besides my job, but I cannot think of any. I don’t have the talent in selling anything. When we came back to work, a lot of co-employees started selling cooked food and desserts for extra income. I can’t do that. I never even tried selling Avon in my whole life. I have been thinking of online freelance jobs, but I need an internet connection at home. Another monthly bill.

My mind has been tired of thinking about these things. And all this time, I had been angry. Angry because the truth was I have been scared of the worst things that could happen. Because I felt like no one was going to help me when I needed help. Anger became the smoke of the reality that was loneliness, fear and despair formed deep within me.