A New Life Back In My Hometown

When I thought it wouldn’t be hard for me to adjust to live in a place where I used to, I was wrong. In fact, it was the most difficult compared to my previous moving locations. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I have been away for too long. Fourteen years to be exact. There were a lot of changes in the neighborhood, especially the new many faces and new many houses that used to be rice fields. I was glad to see the old faces grew older and the young ones when I left are now taking care of children of their own. Life here really moved on without me. Of course, what did I expect? Haha!

Coming home had me washed with mixed emotions. I felt happy and anxious at the same time. I see my dreams flashing in front of me like it would take only seconds for it to finally hit me and pull myself back again because I was not completely ready. I asked myself if I was not that prepared for my dreams to happen. I had thought that have I not been really prepared to have the things that I deserved be materializing in my life.

Adjusting was more difficult than I expected. Travelling from home to work and vice versa was the most difficult part, but all of it was worth it because I felt that living close (practically neighbors) to my family is like a lifetime of security. I feel secure here.

It's April 2021, This Blog Is Still Here

 Hello! Before I began typing a new blog entry, I had to check what my last post was about. It has been almost a year, May 29, covid still lingering around like the clouds rolling by beneath the blue beautiful sky. The weather is lovely today. It was unusually gloomy

in the early part of the morning but I’m glad it changed to the usual April weather. Whew! What an intro!

Anyway, I’m home and will be staying home until the 27^th of April. I had this pain in my back that started sometime in December and it never seemed to leave me so I decided to go see a doctor, to cut the long story short, he ordered me to take days off from work from March 18 to April 27,  take meds and not get covid. I hope my sss sickness benefit will be waving at me sooner.  Hello ayuda!

So what happened since my last post? June 2020, our work resumed amidst the quarantine that was classified in several versions ended in letter Q, which until now I still have not fully memorized the difference. That time public transportation was still very limited so our company had to hire a shuttle service to pick and drop employees off work. I was lucky to live in an apartment just a few meters away from the pick-up location. It lasted until October when jeepneys came back on the roads and we were on our own without the aid of the mini bus, covid still lingered but by this time people seemed to be relaxed. It was also around this time my husband and I decided to buy a motorcycle because we were moving to our own house. November 28, 2020, we said goodbye to our neighbors of two years in an apartment near Masinag market, took all our belongings and rode to our new (old to me) home.

I lived in Binangonan since we moved here in 1990. I was ten years old, life was hard for our family but here at least we could say that we had the right to settle. When I got married in 2007, I moved with my husband in Antipolo. We lived with his family for four months, then decided to rent an apartment nearby, somewhere in Antipolo but still close to my work. In late 2009 to early 2010, when my husband got frequently sick I asked him to resign from his job and when he could not find a decent job right away we decided to go back to his parents house and lived with my in-laws again to save money. We lived there for the next eight years or so until we decided to separate again by renting an apartment in Masinag, and last 2020 we finally decided to live in our own house, not yet fully completed in construction but full of dreams to fulfill. In between those years, my life and our marriage had to face so many challenges.

So, right now, I’m at my mother’s house typing this post because I have the luxury of time. My blog has been sleeping for a year because I could not access it from my office computer and I was too lazy to blog. What happened to me since my last post, I will continue in another post as this has already reached almost six hundred words. See me! J

Almost June, Forty, Angry

This morning, I realized that it’s almost June. It’s almost half of the year. It’s almost my fortieth year of being alive. I don’t want an emotional post. But I have been very emotional since this pandemic turned our lives a hundred and eighty degree turn, and it just happened to be started in the year I should be forty. But, still I am grateful to be alive.  Sometimes I don’t like the feeling of being grateful. Sometimes I hate to think that I should be thankful because others are experiencing worse than I do. Be thankful to be alive because others die? That’s life. We will all die anyway. This is just how the way things are, right?

So I should be grateful that I still have a job. A lot of people have no jobs to go back to after the quarantine, and I’m thankful to God. I can’t be jobless. This was what has been worrying me so much since the lockdowns began and companies started suffering losses. My company was not spared. My company caters to McDonald’s for its sundae needs, and who buys this sundae while quarantined at their homes. We cater to restaurants and other food establishments, and so we have been losing money for two months now.  This morning, an email from human resource told us that we will be only allowed to work four days a week or thirty two hours to cut costs. Still better than losing a job.

Like I said, I can’t be jobless. It’s so difficult because this is my only source of income and I’m technically a breadwinner. My husband’s job is not permanent. He had not have a permanent job in years.  If his company lays off employees, he’s at the front line. Thankfully, he still has his job. My mother’s pension is so small it’s just enough for her medicines. I have obliged myself to support her even if she never asked me to.  I was worried that what would happen to us if I lose this job and who knows how difficult it would be to get a new one. People who know me assume I don’t worry about money because I don’t have children. We eat, we pay rent, we wear clothes, we use electricity too. I buy milk for two adults. I spent for the same things parents are spending, except of course for children stuff and tuition fees. But we don’t earn a lot. I am an average earner, I don’t event think I belong to the middle class bracket (who afford cars btw) I’m way down below.  I’m still as broke like most Filipinos who need government aids in time of pandemic. 

I was glad when we were allowed to go back to work last May 18. I was also able to receive salary even on no work days because I still have unused vacation leaves and portion of our 13^th month pay was released. Half a month salary was also given by my company as compassionate pay. But right now, the little money that I saved is running low. Now that we have less work days that meant lesser salary and no overtime work, I should start spending on a really tighter budget. Tighten the belt as the old folks say, but make it a little more tighter. Like I would eat vegetables everyday, with dried fish instead of fresh. Continue buying cheaper alternatives instead of  my usual trusted brands of laundry and bath soap, bread,  and other things I need to go on living.

I have also been thinking of having another source of income besides my job, but I cannot think of any. I don’t have the talent in selling anything. When we came back to work, a lot of co-employees started selling cooked food and desserts for extra income. I can’t do that. I never even tried selling Avon in my whole life. I have been thinking of online freelance jobs, but I need an internet connection at home. Another monthly bill.

My mind has been tired of thinking about these things. And all this time, I had been angry. Angry because the truth was I have been scared of the worst things that could happen. Because I felt like no one was going to help me when I needed help. Anger became the smoke of the reality that was loneliness, fear and despair formed deep within me.

Almost Forty…it’s been a while

I know. I have not blogged in a long while. I missed it. I really do. Sorry na. Minsan busy, madalas tinatamad, minsan feeling ko lang bobo na ko sa English. Kelan ba naging smart? Haha!

So…life has been. Yes, busy – with work. My partner in AP resigned in the middle of the work. And our super efficient in hiring new employees HR peeps has not hired a replacement until September. Ang bongga! So I worked extra time since I was alone doing all the tasks. FYI, AP, Accounts Payable, taga kemerut ng mga bayarin ng kumpanya. Galit sakin ang mga inuutangan ng kumpanya pag di nakabayad on time. Ako sumasalo ng mga sermon nila. Sila (blind item) sila na mga taga tanggap ng suhol (blind item) ang tagasalo ng biyaya. Pa ambon naman dyan! Haha!

So life has been. Busy, with house chores. I do all the chores by myself, but from time to time I ask for my husband’s help. But lately, he was able to do some without me asking. I’m going to celebrate this improvement. It’s been almost one year since we moved on our own (renting apartment) place since we lived with my in-laws in 2010. It felt so..liberating. It’s physically exhausting to maintain a clean and organized home but the peace and calm (talaga!) is priceless!

So that’s that! Work – home – work – home! Tired most of the time, but happy! The happy kind of tired! Life is not perfect, but who said it should be?! I don’t have lots of money (I need more) but I’m contented with my life right now. Still a little anxious about the future, but I’m okay with my life.

Right now. Most of the time my mind is occupied with how I’m going to make our small apartment look better and the few plants that I started to grow. I want our place to become so comfortable that when friends and family come to visit they want to stay longer. But since it’s a rented place, we have lots of limitation! (Like we cannot poke a hole on the wall!)

Recently I met up with a close friend. I was happy to see her. But part of me was a little bit disappointed. It looks like she judged me in a certain way. To her, I have a very easy and smooth sailing life. She even assumed that I’m now rich and have a big money tucked in a savings account. Part of me was glad that to her, I looked like that, but a big part of me was not. I was judged despite of the struggles of my life that I shared to her was nothing compared to her struggles. But still, she’s my friend and I know that someday, she would understand that what I have been through was just a part of life that’s just as difficult as her struggles.

I realized (again) that friendships really change as time go by. In a TED talk video, there's one entitled "Why mothers are miserable" I got curious so I watched it. According to the speaker, mothers were miserable because they lack the friendship and support of women friends. It's so ironic to me that mothers have the most exposure to female bonding. At their children's school, at work, community (like church, neighborhood) etc., they are instantly bonded by parenting they didn't need any ice breaker because they already have their common ground. Compared to us? The rare us (childless women, single or married in the late thirties and older) who finds it really difficult to make friends anywhere, everywhere because we are not mothers. Imagine us? They kenat. That is precisely the reason why.... never mind!

I don't know how to end this post. 

PS. I don't open my IG often because there are two persons whose posts spoils my day. I cannot unfollow them because "nakakahiya" but really the one - her face annoys me and her jeje captions. The other one, she's just OA, ang nega lang! Kakasira ng day. So ayun! 

Until next post.. :) kung may nagbasa nito, labyu!

Maybe I Should Stop Trying So Hard

Last night, I wrote in my journal what I was supposed to write for the last day of January. I had missed three weeks of journaling. But even though I failed at one of my goals to write at my journal everyday, I'm glad that January is over. I failed in the month I hated the most. The year started out fine with me, my hopes were high and my spirit was all positive. But things changed in the middle, and I was back to my old self. Worried, hopeless, and self-pitying.

Two Fridays ago, I was browsing my friends' list in Facebook. I had unfollowed a lot of people and I decided to check some of them, how they'd been doing after years of not getting an update. Then I saw one college friend who looked so thin in her display picture, and got curious because she was extremely overweight when we were in college. I looked at all her pictures and saw that two former colleagues work with her now, along with some of my classmates in graduate school. What a small world. These two old colleges have already finished their MBA's, my college classmate looked like she's still getting her degree, and I have known that my MBA classmate is just completing his thesis. They are all in the same company, that government owned company who gets the biggest appropriation from the national budget. No, I think they're second with DPWH! hahaha!

And so the emotion began. I self pitied and felt so sorry for myself for being a failure. They have good jobs, earning maybe three times more than I do, and have their MBA's while I'm stuck at home after work washing my husbands underwear. I cried lying on the cold floor for how many hours until I remembered I had to cook rice and it was already late. Like a movie scene, but the loneliness was real.

When would luck ever strike me? I never asked for much. I just wanted a life where I could help my family and provide for our needs. Just needs. I have done my part, I have tried, I have worked hard, I have been honest, I have integrity, I have been a good person. And what?

If this was my destiny, so should I just stop working hard and just let things be since all my efforts would just be wasted?

First Half of January: My Anxious Thoughts and Morality

Last week on my way to work, I was stopped by a thin man with a backpack in white shirt supposedly asking for directions. I told him the place is just nearby but he would need to take one more ride and then he told me he had no money, that he lost his wallet and he had been walking since dark. I asked him where he came from and why he was going to that place. He said he was going to his aunt. I am a person who can’t distinguish if a person is lying or not, specially a stranger, and the thought that if this man was my friend or a family member what would I do? So the angel inside me won (imagine the scene where an angel and a demon on either side of your head arguing, lol!) I gave him money and told him to just take a ride and eat in a nearby carinderia because he was shaking which I asked earlier and told me he had not eaten and been walking overnight. He did not look like a beggar or a homeless man, but my conscience said he was telling the truth. Besides a hundred pesos would not make him richer, nor it would make me poorer and I was going to be late for work.

In the Philippines, giving alms to beggars would make you think twice. Most of these people pretending to be beggars belong to the large population of Filipinos. Poor parents use their children to beg in the streets because they easily get sympathy from people. Whose heart would not get poked by a hungry looking child?  Some of them are just lazy and irresponsible parents who use poverty as an excuse to ask money from those of us who work hard to afford a decent meal and take advantage of our good hearts. Sometimes, if I have food in my bag I would give it to the kid, but most of the time I fight the impulse to give out coins. Encountering street beggars has become a normal part of my life and if it's right to be giving them alms is right or not is I think subjective to every person.

Meanwhile, because of these anxious thoughts that I had been having recently, I started to think about life insurance. I had wanted to get a life insurance since many years back, but my financial condition cannot afford it, specially now that my husband and I are renting an apartment. Everyday I pray to God to always take care of my loved ones, and that I won’t die ahead of my mother. I’ll be thirty nine this year and my hair starts to turn seriously gray, it worries me. Although some people say I don’t look my age, it does not help. I still worry and sometimes I can’t fight it. The fact that I’m aging and not helping much to the people who needs me bothers me a lot. No, I am not depressed and I don’t have anxiety, it’s just a normal part of being an adult. I guess.

As of this moment, I need to set my anxious thoughts aside because there’s still tons of work to do. I stopped by for a quick blog.

What Happened to May?

Hi blog! It’s been a while since my last post. Nobody cares, but I do! (Big smile) There’s nothing new in my routine, so I guess there’s nothing much to blog about. There are no significant changes, really. My weight is still around fifty kilograms, no gain no loss but I’m fine with that. I only want to lose my belly fat, and I have not had any new pimples so far. So I believe that life is going better for me.

Have I told you I had been drinking lemon water first thing in the morning for the past five months? I squeeze half a lemon in a cup of hot (not that hot) water and drink it first thing when I wake up every morning. I don’t see any drastic change in my body, but I feel a little better lately. So I’m gonna continue doing this until I get tired of doing it, lol!

And my attempt to establish this routine of exercising for about fifteen minutes every morning has not been very successful. I want to exercise for health though, not for vanity. I’m old and married to be vain. I’m not saying that being vain is for young and single people though, but I’m in the stage of my life where looks is not that very important anymore. My husband (and maybe the people around me) are okay with the way I look. Though I exert extra effort to get clear skin (my face) because it’s been my dream to get that clear and young looking face, but with my limited budget, maybe I just need to learn to be contented with what I have, and what I can afford.

I have finished twenty one units in my MBA, and I’m quite happy with it. A year ago, I never thought I would get this far. Summer classes is almost over. We still have class on June 9 but there’s a wedding I need to attend on that day, and luckily the exam we are going to have in my one subject is a take home exam, we’ll just wait for it in our emails and pass it to our professor on the sixteenth. 

And in between my work, mall and market visit, and family visit in my home town, I watch a lot of educational videos, TED Talks, and anything I find interesting in Youtube. I'm trying to go back to reading and I wish myself some luck on this!

That’s it, I finished twenty one units, and some more to go. I don’t know what the future holds but for now, I’ll just do what I should do, go with the flow, and enjoy life as it is, right now.

I guess that’s it for now. This has been my life lately. Until next blog post from your tita! Hahahah!

To The People Who Constantly Put Us Down Because We Don't Have Children

I have never been very vocal about this aspect of my life. Not to anyone. I know for a fact that people around me assumed many different things. Some were even frank to ask, or rather proclaimed to our face their highest conviction about the joy of having children. And very few, showed concern and sympathy. But not from anyone I sensed a genuine understanding. Because in reality, I have finally come to terms, that no one would understand except those in the same situation.

I am a married woman with no children. That's that. Most people ask me (us) to keep on trying all possible options. Truth is, any couple who would really love to have children would do that. But there's so many things they don't understand. And the worst thing about that is they think they understand and they think they know everything. No they don't, and I wish they just stop.

I was hurt by a recent comment I received. "Nagpapayaman na lang kayo" I don't know how to say that in English (because it hurts so bad) and right this moment I honestly don't know how to say that in my local tongue, but it only means, there's nothing much left for me and my husband to do but accumulate wealth. Because we don't have children. 

You have no idea how much those words hurt. It's as if I am sentenced to death. It's as if that person told me I  can die anytime because my life has no purpose. To me it sounds like the only noble thing a woman can do is to bring a child in this world, other than that she is nothing. That the space these women occupy on earth is ever wasted until they decide to raise children. 

Look, there are many childless women, married or not, on earth. By choice or not, you have no right to judge them. Don't blame me if I have plenty of time to accumulate wealth and you don't, because even if I did not choose this kind of life, I have accepted the things in my life that are beyond my control and do everything I can to make this life worth living.  I know that I don't owe you an explanation, because I know your mind is closed by your own convictions. I pity you for your ignorance. That's all I can say.

Love Sick

Let me explain the title first. That only means today is the love month, as many have called it, and I have been sick because this colds and fever have been really persistent for one week now. I did not attend my classes this Saturday because I needed a rest. I could not afford stress that time. I was supposed to be reporting for one of my subjects, but I messaged one of my groupmate that I could not come to class. I spent the whole day lying in bed, and written some notes when I got bored.

I started prioritizing my health. When I feel like I need rest, I would take rest. But sometimes, there are other important things to get done so the challenge arises. I hate being sick. It makes me feel vulnerable and emotional. That day I felt inexplicably sad. I felt like crying, there was even that moment when I felt like I was dying. Yes, I was overreacting and overthinking things again, but I managed to shoo away that thought immediately. I later realized that maybe I have taken my loved ones for granted, so I posted a line from a Meghan Trainor song in my Facebook timeline (which by the way I rarely do ;p)

Let's take our time

To say what we want

Use what we got

Before it's all gone

'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow

Sunday came I was feeling a bit better. In the afternoon, my husband and I went out for a short trip to the nearest mall to buy something. We ate at the food court of the mall some Turks meal, they were good but the beef was not the tenderest. Not bad for a meal less than one hundred pesos. 

I dropped by National Bookstore to just roam around, check books and cute stuff, and I ended up buying some colored pens. Ballpens make me happy. So if you want to make me happy buy me ballpens, colored ones, okay?!

And last but not the least, I bought this book below, for my husband. No! I know what you are thinking right now, that he is a bad husband and he needs this book so bad. I don't intend it that way. I bought this because, first I think it's an easy read for someone who is not into reading. See, I want my husband to discover the joy and amazing benefits of reading so I guess this little book is a good start. He knows my intention, so I hope we will reap both the benefit, if he finished to read this book, and ask me to buy him another (which I'm planning Bob Ong) :)

As of this very moment, I'm still having runny nose, the liquid is yellowish, I have used one roll of toilet paper. I still feel a little feverish, my head feels like floating in air and I want to blame it to that darn aircondition in front of me!

Happy weekdays all! 

So Long 2017!

A few more days, another year is overr!! Like overrr, like that! :) I had so much drama this year, I don't want to end it with a post that's even more dramatic!

This wasn't a good year, but I'm still thankful because of the lessons I learned from my experiences. I have so many realizations about my life, and well, this world that we live in! Charot!

This year, I finally have my passport. Though I don't see any out-of-the-country opportunity for me in the near future, the passport makes me feel more human. Like human human! ;p

This year, I found out that I will never really outgrow my introversion. I feel best when I'm alone most of the time. I recharged better with regular Me Time.

This year, I learned from people. I learned who's true to me versus those are just there because they benefit from me. Though I'd love to help people, and I appreciate it if they think of me when they need help, I won't let people abuse me.

This 2017...well, not a good year, but I'm thankful! I'm getting used to the pain of being ignored by people who I thought cared about me, who I thought were true to me, but I think I should just forget about them and move on with my life and be grateful and focus on the things, and people that truly matter.

This year, I'm going to use a planner. I hope to fill it all up with my whatabouts! Hahahah!

Looking forward to a so much better 2018. I know it will be! And I hope the same for you too, if there's anyone who bothered to read :)

Wala.

Them:  "Ilan na anak mo?"
Me:      "Wala"
Them:   "Ay bakit wala?"
Me:      "............."

Sana na natigil na lang dun sa "wala". Ang hirap kasing mag paliwanag dun sa follow up question na "bakit" kasi hindi ko alam kung sigurado ako sa isasagot ko, o kung tama ba yung sasabihin ko na maiintindihan ng kausap  at matanggap nya ang paliwanag ko at matigil na sa topic na yan ang usapan. Nung mga unang taon ng buhay may asawa ko, ang tanong kung may anak na ba ako. Ngayon kung ilan na daw ang anak ko.

Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses akong tinanong kung bakit. Hindi ko na rin maalala kung ano yung mga nasagot ko. Basta natandaan ko lang yung tumahimik lang ako, o ngumiti na lang ako kasi hindi naman na mahalagang i record ko pa sa isip ko yung mga nasabi ko.

Dun sa mga nagtanong sakin kung meron ba akong anak, at sinagot ko ng wala, at hindi na nag tanong ng "bakit" gusto ko silang yakapin. Kesehodang na feel nila ako o hindi sila interesado, sa mga sandaling iyon, napa bulong ako ng maiksing panalangin na sana lahat ng tao tulad nila. Natanggap na lang nila na wala. Wala pa or wala talaga. Hindi na mahalaga sa kanila. Kasi tao din naman ako, babae, at hindi iba sa karamihan.

Ang hirap. Walang salitang kayang makapagpaliwanag ng nararamdaman ko. Hindi rin ito maiintindihan ng karamihan lalo na ng mga babaeng hindi dumaan sa ganito. Lalo na ng mga taong hindi bukas ang isip na hindi lahat ng bagay ay nangyayari lang ng ayon sa gusto nila o yung pangkaraniwang na sa lahat. Hindi ganun eh. Minsan may mga tao na naiiba ang landas na tinatahak. Pinili nila o hindi. Hindi lahat ng buhay ng tao pare pareho. Hindi lahat ng babae pinanganak ng may perpektong matris. At kahit ayaw nilang maniwala hindi lahat ng babae ginustong magluwal ng tao sa mundong ito.

Pero ganun pa man, gusto ko pa ring sagutin yung tanong nila sa paraang tatanggapin nila at maiintindihan. Kaya lang hindi ko alam kung paano. Bago pa kasi ako maka isip ng salita, bago pa ito mabuo sa mga bibig ko, nauuna na makaramdam ng sakit, lungkot, pagluluksa, galit at pagkalito ang buong katawan ko. Lahat yan, sabay sabay na mararamdaman ko habang pina process ng isip ko yung gusto kong ipahiwating sa tanong na ito.

Sa mga pagkakataong sumasagot ako ng "wala po eh" sa mga tanong na "bakit", alam ba nilang mas masakit yung mga unsolicited na payo at mga side comments:

"Hindi buo ang pamilya pag walang anak"
"Bilis bilisan nyo, napag iiwanan na kayo!"
"Try nyo yung ganitong position!"

" Sumayaw kayo sa Obando!"

"Uminom kayo ng ganito, at kumain ng ganito, 3x a day!"

"Pahilot ka kay Mang Kepweng, magaling yan!"

"Mag ampon kaya kayo!"

At isang libong version ng ganito: "Ah dadating din yan, si kapatid ng hipag ng kapitbahay ng pinsan ng empleyado ng barangay, after 14 years nag ka anak din, kaya wag ka mawawalan ng pag asa!"

At kasabay ng mga sandaling ito,sa isang sulok ng puso ko, hinihiling ko na lang na kainin ako ng lupa, o kaya biglang lumindol para makaligtas sa napa ka uncomfortable na sitwasyon na ito.

Bakit ba ganun? Kahit ano, wag lang wala.

Dahil akala nila wala akong problema? Maraming pera, walang stress at puro sarili lang ang iniisip. Dahil gusto nila maranasan ko din yung mga hirap nila kaya ayaw nilang magtapos na lang sa wala? Mahirap din yung wala. Yung tuwing magbubukas ka ng Facebook makikita mo yung pangarap mo napakadaling nangyayari sa lahat, tapos ikaw parang pinagdadamutan ng tadhana. Yung sa lahat ng okasyon sa bawat buwan ng taon, ipapaalala sayo na may kulang sa buhay mo, hindi ka kumpleto, walang kang ambag sa lipunang ito hanggang hindi ka nagsisilang ng buhay sa mundo. Hindi man nila sinasabi pero iyon ang mensahe. Kaya ba ayaw nila sa sagot na "wala"?

Wala naman na akong magagawa. Sa ganang akin, alam kong hindi ganun. Ayokong maniwala na ang buhay ng isang babae ay bibigyang kahulugan ng reproductive organs nya, o ng desisyon nya sa buhay na magka anak.  At sa mga taong tanggap ako sa kabila ng aking kawalan, mahal pa rin nila ko, salamat sa inyo. Mahal ko rin kayo ng dalawa at kalahating beses. Salamat sa malawak ninyong pang unawa at mabuti ninyong puso.

Sa ngayon, pagpasensyahan nyo na lang kung hindi ko sinasagot ang tanong nyong bakit. Bahala na kayong magbigay ng dahilan at hanggang maari sa sarili nyo na lang. Sa akin, hindi na man na iyon mahalaga...

Today, Ten Years Ago, We Got Hitched

Opo, today is our tenth wedding anniversary! Bilis talaga ng panahon! I don't really know how to sum up those ten years in a short and sweet blog post, but I will try anyway... :)

Kagabi bago matulog binati ko sya thru fist bump: "Oy 14 na bukas, akalain  mo yun! Hahaha!"

This morning he hugged and greeted me "Happy Anniversary" while I responded him with "Ten years, akalain mo yun"

Ten years down. Lifetime to go, sabi nga. Ang masasabi ko lang talaga "walang forever". Wala naman talaga. You just have to stick together through whatever. Dapat siguro i phase out na yung  mga fairy tale stories na yan, mali ang tinuturo nyan sa mga bata! Hahaha!

Kidding aside, the first years was easy and very happy. It was that romantic feeling that made you believe that love was really powerful.

But the past few years was the rough road. The pressure to keep up with the expectation of the people around us was the worst. And it was only later that we realized it was wrong to live with the expectations of these people. It did not help nurture our relationship and I guess it never would to any married and not married couples out there.

Our marriage was very far from perfect. We have been through our lowest lows and highest highs, and I've said and done horrible things to our relationship but I'm very happy we made it here. Going strong, I really hope so, but as of this writing everything about us is fine. The butterflies are gone and most of the time we're just like best friends living under the same house but we're doing just fine.

We may not be blessed with a baby, but don't worry about us. We're fine! :)

I won't offer any relationship or marriage advice to anyone because all relationships are unique. But as of the moment, my husband and I are still together, fighting and working for that "forever" na sinasabi nila. Wala naman kasi talagang forever, lifetime pwede. Pero sa panahon ngayon ang relationship madaling mabali parang peanut brittle na galing sa Baguio.  

I wrote this post on 6/14/2017

The Island That Is Boracay

Hey guys! I'm back! But this post has been long overdue. It was when the rest of the world was decking the halls with bells and folly, I went to Boracay with my beach body, I mean buddies! :)

It's never too late for post about a beach get-away that was spent in December because, you can feel it, summer has just began (at least in my part of the earth!) :) This was a nine-month vacation in the making because the ticket was purchased in March 2016 (if you really want to spend less money for a two-way air fare, you need to be patient for those airline promos, wink!) just like what we did. A vacation that was very cheap even a minimum wage earning woman can afford.

Meet the gang! Four lovely ladies who spends time together a lot (that's because we work in the same company and we have no other choice! No, they're awesome and we're fabulous! And boy do I need to tell where is that island when I know for sure Boracay is just one of the most sought-after beach in the Philippines? Anyway, from left to right: Me, Cel, Joanne, and Joy at the shores with the sands at our feet, the wind blowing our hair and the perfect water summoning us with its mighty powers. Oh that was a really lovely day!

Landed destination safe and sound

Did I mention it was my first time to fly? And I had the privilege (which I did not enjoy) to get the window seat. I said I was fine at the aisle, I said it was fine if hips of strangers keep bumping on my arms (and worse face) because I have fear of heights. I could not look down when I'm at a higher locations. I could not! But then, my seatmate insisted. So I ended up seating by the window despite my diplomatic protest. How was it. Oh it was fine! I was fine when the plane shook during its take-off and landing. But it was when I saw how the earth looked down from up there scared me. I almost cried. I felt so little, so insignificant to the vastness of the universe and the mysteries that goes with it. Okay, I'm overreacting!

 When I looked at the window and stared at this beautiful clouds, it was only then I understood why some people dreamed to fly. That feeling I could not form into words. That same feeling when Harry Potter soaring with his Firebolt escaping the dragon in the Tri-Wizard tournament? Almost. Well, I can fly again but not the window seat next time! :)

After around three (or four) hours of travel both land and air from Manila to Aklan, we reached Boracay mid-afternoon and the beach was crowded. It was a Sunday, the weather was perfect, and the place was awesome so our minds did not entertain anything that our bodies said tired. We changed into our sexiest (yeah!) clothes and hit the beach right away. FYI, it was a challenge shopping for summer clothes in the months where people were busy shopping for gifts, so excuse our OOTD's if that's the sexiest we can get! (Laughing out loud and winking out hard!)

I love the beach. I dream of owning a house just right next to the shores. I love waking to the sounds of the waves in the morning and the same gentle sound would rock me to sleep at night. I love the salty winds messing my hair along with the trees swaying to its rhythm. I would walk on the shores with the sands massaging the soles of my feet while collecting beautiful sea shells I could find. And in the afternoon, I would sit under a tree staring at the sunset contemplating about life (even the life after this life) and our reason for existence. Oh the dream life! :)

So how was the trip? I had a blast! Definitely a must see place you would never go back home grouchy! I intended (or tried whichever word works best) this post to be a bit of a how-to-travel-to-boracay-with-a-little-money-post but with my noisy thoughts, look how this has turned out? I'm sorry, I know I cannot do that travel blogging by now. I'm a lousy travel blogger! I can't even remember the name of that house we stayed where we had an awful experience. But anyway, I hope to blog another awesome vacation next time and will try to make it more information-loaded and helpful next time. I'm sure there's plenty of blogs out there that could help you if you have plans of visiting the island.  

Until next time. I love you for reading. Let me know what you think, please, please, please! :)

Thank you Ate Pretty Yzet Macay for the permission to use her photos.

Love,
Claire

Of Valentines And Hugot Lines

February 14 is half a month ago, but I can still feel the spirit of the "love month" lingering around. Blame businesses, we were all caught up and sometimes, escape is hard.

I'm never one among the crowd, but you can't help not miss out the fun. Social media has played a major influence on everything getting to caught up on what is love has to do with our lives. I guess it really makes the world go round and round. 

A couple of days before the 14th, while watching the news that said broken heartedness is bad for the health, I asked my husband how life was like for him after his break up with his ex. He was very young then, and years before he met me. His answer made me think very deep, he said that it was like living without your arms and legs. Ugh! Amputated?! 

Which makes me realize how those hugot lines makes everyone can relate to, and for those like me, entertained and amazed by the emotions the statement brings.

Let's define "hugot" shall we? It is a Filipino word meaning "to pull, or to draw out". Hugot lines means a statement that came from a very deep emotion, most commonly a very painful romantic experience. (For my non-Filipino readers, like I have any, hahaha)

I'll see if I can come up with my own original hugot lines!

One Quick Post Before October Ends

Before the week ends, I decided to do just one quick post (composed in around fifteen minutes) because I'd be having a long weekend this end of October. I'm afraid I'd be missing out on some posts of my favorite bloggers (there's plenty of them, believe me, and I just discovered two more bloggers from the US that I hope I have more time to read their entire blog:). I am continuously searching for bloggers who will inspire me to improve my blog even more. I have started this blog some years ago, and to my disappointed I don't think it has improved at all. Ugh! There's so much to learn :)

These past couple of days, I am more determined to update my blog. I find pleasure in doing it even if I'm sure not even my husband reads it (though I don't remember telling him I have this blog), haha! But one of these days I'd probably force him to and threaten him for a hunger strike if he doesn't. He should be my number one loyal reader, right? :)

This coming 2017, ( I have actually started yesterday hahaha) I have committed to live my life to the fullest, and blog it! I have no idea how I will do it but I'd find ways somehow and live life one day at a time. Gosh, is this getting old in simple words? And I guess I should have done this long before, but yeah, life and experiences really are our greatest teachers, yes? So in general, life has taught me so much, big time!

Anyway, that's all for now. Happy Halloween in advance and enjoy the rest of October!

Dear Ex-Friend

It's been a long time. I remember the old days when we were in school. I had this heavy mix of emotions as I recall those days we spent together. I was happy, but remembering them now, it felt odd.

Why this letter? I have doubts you would ever find this, but this is the only way I know to let this out. For the first and last time.  Somehow, I felt like you needed to know. After all these years.

It all came back when I saw a photo of myself wearing a blue shirt and red sneakers. I told myself you would hate or laugh at me because you were such a monochromatic person. I wasn't. I smiled at myself because for sure you would tell me I looked like the Philippine flag. And then memories came all flooding back...

Our friendship had a wonderful start. We instantly clicked like twins separated at birth and had only met for the first time at age seventeen. The two of us and the rest of our friends were like pieces of a puzzle that perfectly fit when put together. And I want to thank you for those happy moments...

Later then when school was over, and real life began for all of us, our friendship was tested by time and, probably change. Many things had happened that I thought to myself maybe I had only misinterpreted your actions, or the words you said so I let it all pass by and never held it against you. But at the end I only realized that you did not really change. That was what you really were to me all along. 

I didn't hate you. I hated the way you treated me and I was hurt like hell. I was miserable when I was jobless, and all I got was you on the phone talking about your glorious job and told me only those with the nicest smiles could join your company. That was one of the worst so I decided that maybe you were not the right person to run to when I needed comfort. It was a little too late to realize...

Years ran by, and after many desperate attempts to avoid you (that I had succeeded in most) I never lost the hope that things would change for the better. And they did. But you, did not. I still felt that same feeling when we're together that it wasn't a genuine love and respect for a friend that was supposed to be there from the very beginning. It almost came down to thinking you were just insecure, but who was I to ever thought of that.  It never really felt home with you. All I ever wanted was to run away from your presence all the time. It never felt right anymore.

Past forward to now, as I am typing this, I am okay with or without you, with the memories of the past, and our relationship now that I had painfully worked hard on.  And I'm glad about it. The pain and grudges are long gone and surely it will never come back because that chapter in my life has been closed already. It took me completing two stages of grief, and quite a number of self-pity to become the strong person that I have become to finally let go of that ugly part of my life which was our so-called friendship. 

I'd probably see you occasionally, maybe share drinks (in our case food) with you and come home not even thinking about the past anymore. I'm happy. I hope you are happy with your life too. And if fate and circumstance allow, we could start fresh and be good friends. But not for now. Because the wounds are healed but the scars are still clear. I wish you all the best in life!


Xoxo,
Claire

She's A Beauty - Catanduanes

Though I had all the opportunity to learn the dialect, I never had the will,  but I've always been proud of my Bicolano roots. Both my parents came from Catanduanes, an island somewhere in the east Philippines in the far part of Bicol facing the Pacific Ocean. Of course you may google it to check where it is in the map.

Anyway, I'm sharing these photos for you to see!

Welcome to Barangay Tilis, ang balwarte ng mga Tejerero! Choss!!! :)

Pasensya na kayo sa model ko, wala nakong ibang makuha. Ito ang view habang naglalakad kami one beautiful morning papunta sa...saan nga ba yun,..parang sa bayan...papuntang dagat ang tawag Batalay!

Ito na yun, Batalay beach, wala akong planong maligo halata naman sa outfit ko pero nabasa ako... Well this beach is open to all, walang entrance fee, pwede ka maligo anytime anyday, mag fishing ka rin kung bet mo....

Batalay beach pa more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hind white sand pero ang linis ng water, tama lang ang waves at ang medyo tamang lalim ng dagat ang enjoy ang mga seniors!! :)

Bato Church pala muna nadaanan namin papuntang Batalay, ansabeh ng mga oldies, very old na daw itong church na ito. Pero promise ang ganda nya in person, ang tahimik pero di nakakatakot ang place, at pang post card ang view taray talaga!!

 Nagpunta rin kami sa Dambana sa Batalay, historical daw ang spot na itey dahil dito inilibing or namatay ba ang Spanish Priest na isa sa mga nag propagate ng Christianity sa Philippines. At somewhere in there my bukal na the water daw is said to be miraculous. Pinuntahan ng mga oldies at uminom/naligo sila ng water. At higit sa lahat nag enjoy sila!!!!!!!

Syempre papayag bang walang picture ang mga tanders!!!! Hehehe! Peace! :)

Punta na tayo sa paborito kong place na napuntahan ko so far, ang Twin Rock Resort kung saan ang eyeglasses at redlipstick ko ay hindi nagkasundo sa drama ng rashgard (tama ba spelling) ko!

Ayaw naming maligo, ayaw naming maligo, please wag nyo kaming pilitin!!!

Ayaw din naming maglaro sa buhangin ang panget eh!!! Heheh, kidding aside di perfect ang sand pero okay na okay na compared to the beaches sa Batangas!

Diba sabi ko ayoko mag swimming, namimilit kayo eh, sige na nga! :) Ayun nga pala yung twin rocks, yun oh! :)

Ayaw din namin mag picture taking! Ayaw namin!!!!!!!!!!!!  :)

Pwede rin mag diving ek ek! Hindi bawal! Hindi malalim, mga ilang feet daw? 10? Ewan! :)

Kapagod talaga, pero enjoy naman. Pasensya na kayo sa eyeglasses at red lipstick ko na hindi magkasundo kasama ng rashgard (tama ba spelling?) ko!

Gusto kong bumalik sa bayan ng parents ko. Di ko pa napuntahan lahat ng magagandang places dun kaya for sure babalik ako. Humanda sila, hahahah (evil laugh) :)

xoxo
*claire*

An Open Letter To My Departed Father

Dear Papa,

How are you? It's only been two months since you left but it felt like years already. Sorry if I never got the chance to tell you this, but I'm hoping that somehow this message would reach you. You know that I'm very emotional (see that my tears starts to flow when I'm not yet even finished writing the second sentence) and not very vocal with my feelings, but I know that you know how much I love you.

You leaving us was the worst thing that happened in my life. It was very painful, it is until today and I can never really tell how long will this pain linger. That day I found out you were seriously sick, it seemed like time stopped, my life stopped, and so for the rest of us, your family.

You were so strong, never imagined that in those few months you'd be gone. I wanted to fight for you to live a little longer,  I prayed hard, even bargained with God. You were a fighter, as I've always known you when I was small. My faith doubled when I saw you had all the hopes and trusted that God would help us. But as weeks gone by, your body got weaker and weaker, and so was my faith. Maybe that was what meant to happen. And it happened. I trusted God that your life had to end that way. I trusted God that it had to be that way. Sad though, but maybe that was what God really wanted it to be.....

Your death was painful. That pain I had never felt in my whole life. I thought it was better hearing the news that you were dead than watching your weak body that only your eyes were moving. Either was both painful, and sad, I could not explain but it really felt terrible.

Why you never told us you had many friends? We were overwhelmed by the number of people who visited your wake. People came and went, most of them we never met (or if we did I never remembered). They have spoken so many good things about you, not the normal things you hear in the wake of someone who died, but they were there thanking us for how kind you've been to them when you were alive. They've even told stories about their moments with you and I was even surprised why I did not see that side of you as a person.

Your life was not wasted. I only regret those times that I should have spent with you, and that hurts big time. When you got sick and died, and even until this time I think of you. It's painful to think about you gone. I would wake up in the middle of the night and it's your face I see. I avoid being alone, I avoid getting idle because the pain that your death brings keep haunting me. But then, I'd rather feel pain than not remember you. I would teach myself to think of you and not feel pain but maybe it will take time. I know I should be okay, because I know that wherever you are you are more than okay. Remember when you accepted salvation and believed that Jesus death saved you from damnation?

Thank you so much Papa for being the best father you could ever be and I thank God it was you He used to bring me to this world. I was blessed having both of you as my parents. Thank you for everything! Many will miss you, that's for sure! I could not think of anything more to say, but while I'm waiting for that day to seeing you again, life has to go on. Enjoy heaven! :)


Your youngest daughter,
Claire

"Life Sucks!" - the 19-year-old me

I saw my old notebook-turned-diary while de-cluttering some many weeks ago. That blue notebook where I wrote all the crappy things that was all in my mind (and heart) when I was in college. I had written the year 1999 on the very first page, on the second page I wrote about how I felt about ending 1999 and welcoming the new millennium.

I used all the 80 pages of that notebook, yes I filled it with my thoughts from first to the last page. Memories all came back to me as the dust filled my nostrils. I flipped the pages some more and read what I wrote. I was surprised or rather shocked, when I saw this:

Two words, and exclamation point filled the whole page repeatedly. Not that I don't remember writing this, but I could not believe how I hated the world and life in general back then. I was all complain, pessimist, no self-confidence and almost tend to believe in every ugly aspects of life but no I did not hate life then. But this was the evidence,  my own hand writing and it's staring back at me, glaring.

Not only that, look how insecure I was:

This is a line from a song which I already forgot the title. I could not believe I was willing to trade my life with somebody else's! Okay, I have to forgive my self, one day lang naman eh! :)

Reading that blue notebook did not bring any of my feelings that time. It just made me laugh about myself, especially with the crushes part. Yuck, I can't believe I had a crush on that weird guy, eww..!

So anyway, now you met the nineteen year old me. I am so embarrassed like a mother of a misbehaving daughter. But I'm sure that's just the typical teenager, right? 

Back to the present, if you spotted me in this very nice restaurant review would you say that I hate life?

Hope you guys have a great day! :)

Love,

Claire

Dear Sheila!

Una sa lahat, exclamation point talaga ang ginamit ko sa title nito, wag ka magtaka hindi yan typo :) at saka para unang tingin pa lang obvious na na dedicated sayo ang post kong ito :)

Dahil ikaw ang unang taga AFCMI (bukod kay IT) na nakatuklas ng blog ko marapat lang na may merong isang post na sadyang dedicated para sayo. Eto na yun! :)

Gusto ko lang malaman mo ang mga bagay na nangyayari ngayong wala ka na dito sa company:

 Nabawasan ng customer si Ate Elvie. Alam mo bang bumaba ng 18% ang sales nya ng soft drinks at cheecheeryah!? Kasalanan mo yun.

Nakatipid ako ng ng 6 seconds dahil nabawasan ng isa ang i me message ko sa spark pag dumadating si Ate Elvie.

Wala ng back-up singer ang music dito sa office.

At dun sa iba pang concerns, tanungin mo na lang si Marie :)

Hay...

Pag dumating ang panahon na tabingi ang mukha ko dahil lagi ako nakatingin sa kaliwa dahil wala akong makausap sa right side ko. At kailangan ko na ng dalawang jacket dahil solo ko lahat ng lamig na nilalabas ng aircon.

Pagkatapos mong matuklasan blog ko....

Pagkatapos kong ibunyag sayo ang takot ko sa ipis....

Pagkatapos mo kong dalhan ng maraming Lipton tea....

Pagkatapos ng ilang months lang na session natin sa pantry...

Yun lang yun!

Sayang naman....


Tuturuan pa naman sana kitang....uminom ng kapeng barako, at lahat ng klase ng kape hanggang sa maging coffee addict ka na din...

Saka ituturo ko pa sayo lahat ng mga code names ng mga tao dito kasi si Boy Chow pa lang kilala mo.... sayang talaga :(

Anyways, good luck to your new career, kung ano man yun....

See you soon (?)! :)


Nga pala, pinili ko talaga itong picture na ito, kasi tingin ko mas maganda talaga tayo pag malabo yung pic, diba?

Thank you Marie for the pic, 4 sure dun sa photobomber ka nakatingin :)

Hugs and Kisses from Pantry Girls (hanggat wala pang official na pangalan gamitin ko muna to kahit labag sa loob ko, saka wala pang pumapalit sa pwesto mo, bakante yung chair mo pag lunch) We miss you! Pantry sessions will never be the same without you.



P.S. Comment anonymously pag nabasa mo 'to! :)