Almost 40 - 02.20.2020

I’ve been wanting to write blog posts. There were many mornings during bath when my brain comes up with excellent (to me, they’re excellent) sentences to post on my blog then forget about it the moment I step out of the bathroom. I was supposed to use the word shower, but I don’t shower because we don’t have a shower. We have the all time classic timba at tabo (pail and dipper) to bath and do things in the bathroom.

I’ll be forty in July, and I know I should be grateful to have reached this age, but….I’m grateful, to be honest. But….I’m only human. I am human most of the time. Weak, insecure, and, insecure. Well, not all the time. Forty is milestone. If you stare at the figure, yes. But looking back at my life, the only event that I consider milestone is the time I got married because that was when my whole life changed. I’m grateful, yes.

And forty is a big number. Four decades, my God! What have happened in those years. Wait, let me take inventory of my used time:

I went to college. I watched tv. I finished college, watched less tv. I did nothing for hours. Lie in bed, drink coffee (there was not a day in my life where I did not drink Nescafe, well I tried other brands but I always switch back to Nescafe) I read books, I spent hours doing nothing. Got a job. Went to work.  I had boyfriend. Got married. Spend hours doing nothing. Slept, ate, watched tv. Attended church. Then came internet, social media. Lived with in-laws. Went to work. Worked for hours. Waste hours at the malls. Wasted hours. Watched tv. Watched pirated movies and tv series. Daydreamed. Read ebooks. Laundry. House chores. Took long baths. I think I should have typed repeat. And, oops  I went to grad school.  And the middle of all those things I did were worries, joy, sadness, smiles, tears, laughter, anger, pain, pleasure, hatred, and many other emotions I could not name. In my thirties, I learned self-help.

I figured, maybe my life was supposed to be that way. Just small and simple little things. I had ambitions. I took steps. But I failed. And each time I try again, I failed again. Looking back I feel like my life is so much better now than before. Though I did not get a better paying job, or got promoted, or earned big money. It’s so much better. And the moments where I feel the need to have some more money, change to a higher paying job (each time I get pissed at the people in my work) and get appreciated for what I do, getting recognized and respected, feeling the need of having enough money for retirement comes back to me all over again and I’m still figuring out life until now.

That’s forty years.

Almost Forty - Failure

I have come to terms with myself being the one who fails at almost everything. Here I am, old, gray hairs starting to outnumber the dark ones, lines start to show on my face, and here I am, have not achieved anything at all.

I set goals. I had dreams. I worked to achieve them. But something along the way seems to stop me from getting those things that I want. I remember writing in one of my journals when I was in college, that was 1999 that I’d be okay with a thirty thousand pesos a month salary. That was a big money twenty years ago and I was very naïve about the expenses of adult living. I never really had big dreams. Back then, all I wanted was to just get a job to live and help my family mostly in the finances.

We were a poor family. My father worked as a factory worker until he retired and mother a stayed at home. My mother put up a small variety store at home to help make ends meet. All of us went to public school except in high school I got to experience the private Catholic school, but the tuition fees were still affordable for the lower middle class back then. We still able to eat three meals a day. My three older siblings finished vocational courses. I was the only one who finished a four-year degree since I was the youngest.

When I was young, I did not really know what I wanted to do. We were raised and taught that what mattered was we had jobs that pay for our needs. We had to finish school, get a job, get married, raise a family, then retire. The norm. And so, we did.

But life changed. I got married when I thought I was going to be single for the rest of my life. I did not have children when that was something I was sure about when marrying was an option. Life is really full of surprises. The only one thing that has been constant in my life since then was struggle with finances. Money matters. Everyone’s issue, haha!

I got a job, dreamed of climbing the corporate ladder (the title did not matter, all I cared was the huge pay) enrolled in an MBA program, and I was full of hopes and dreams. But hey, I did not make it. Some things keep on stopping me from getting them. These things are not for me. Fine! I stop chasing them.

I failed. Again. I can’t remember how many things I had wanted and not getting them. F*ck them all! I’m gonna be forty and f*ck all those dreams. Who cares? Right? 

Ay November Na Pala!

It's been ages na pala since my last blog post. I have been really busy about my life lately that I barely have time to update my online diary. I also stopped writing in my journal (courtesy of Mercury Drug) but it's almost filled with writings. There are only five pages left, I think.

So what happened while I was gone. I'm still opening my Reading List, still updated with my favorite blogs, Cup of Jo, Life Without Baby, Mommy Fleur, to name a few. Dami nila. I love their blogs. Naalala ko pa yung dream ko noon na magkaroon ng sikat na blog. Mangyayari pa kaya.

Anyway, highway, nakalimutan ko na yung iba pang ganap simula nung last blog post ko. Ordinary kemers lang naman. But the "ber" months were really huge changes in my life. Something happend in August. My husband and I had a conflict with one of his family member, his sis in law. I did not understand what her problem was. I only came up with a conclusion that she was probably stressed with all that she have on her shoulders - money problems, raising two young children, the pressures from people around her, and I don't know but maybe she had some issues with her life and she poured out all these frustrations to the people nearest to her - us. That was the time I decided and told my husband to find a place of our own and finally do not live with his family - my inlaws.

So aparment hunting kami, there were issues with the paasang kapitbahay/apartment owner until we finally found one just a ride away from everywhere, haha! The moving out and in was so refreshing, but the adjustment process, like any other adjustments, is difficult in the beginning.

But before we moved to a new home, our office moved to a new location, it's just one barangay from the old office, but, it's feels like it's in the outskirts of QC, hahaha! Going to work looks like I'm visiting my old aunt who lives in a decent residential area where you need to take a "special" trip of a tricycle because jeepneys do not pass along those roads, come to think that Sto Nino and Concepcion  are just two neighboring barangays in this place. If I going to spend 60 pesos as an additional fare, I kenat! That's one thousand two hundred a month, and no! I was not willing to spend that money for transportation so I decided I'd just walk going to work, and so I did. My morning routine took a hundred and eight degrees turn!

I thought the adjustment would be easy but I was wrong. I had an emotional breakdown and felt very little about myself. Something happened at work before we moved in to the new location, I half-blamed myself and I could feel that some people put the blame on me too. I realized a lot of things and I discovered a lot more with the people I work with. I could not concentrate on things, I worried a lot and somehow lost faith in myself (again) which I thought long before that I could overcome now. But I found myself in that place where I have been many times before - bottom. It really hurt that all the many good things that you have done, would be erased by one mistake not is not even your fault.

Now, I'm back to feeling good. Determined to achieve the (secret) goals that I have set. Though I skipped graduate school this semester because I think it added much extra weight to the burden I have been carrying, I have plans to continue it and really hope and pray to finish it.

On the other hand, I want to send this message to one of my good and oldest friend: Dear S, I really get upset when I text you and I don't get a text back, and even when it takes you hours or days before I get a response. I feel like you don't want me in your life anymore. You are one of the best people I have ever have in my life and I want to be your friend until we grow old and die. We are both busy most of the time with our own lives, but I just want to let you know that I will always be your friend even if you decided not to be my friend anymore. I will still be here. Just let me know if you need me.

Until next time.

Claire

Daydreaming and Worrying

I have been daydreaming and worrying for the past couple of days. I know it's useless to worry but I can't help it. I worry about my health. I also worry about my husband's health. Sometimes there's something I feel about my body, particularly in my stomach. It's not really pain. It's just something weird. Most of the time I dismiss those thoughts. It's just maybe because my eating habits have changed for the past months. And may be my worrying may be caused by my father dying of lymphoma. I saw how his strong body was destroyed by cancer cells in such a short time and I feel fear of happening that again to any member of my family. My husband's health is not as perfect too. He has some medical record we cannot disclose to anyone. Sometimes I yell at him for eating something unhealthy, and for adding a lot of sugar to his coffee. We've been trying to eat healthy and I should really practice not to worry now.

Meanwhile, in the middle of work, I daydream. I dream of retiring from this job. I dream of freeing myself from the rat race called corporate life. I dream of emancipating myself from being a corporate slave. My dream retirement would be living in the province, particularly in the province of my ancestors in Catanduanes. It's a beautiful island full of places untouched by commercialization. I dream of owning a small farm, with my house in there and me and my husband managing the farm. While managing a farm, I also work as a freelancer doing home-based projects like research or writing. With my mba, I could teach in the island's state university, who knows?  I would do it for fun, the earning is just a bonus. The farm and the house is just near where my relatives live, either my father or my mother's side. They're just some few kilometers apart anyway. 

Our home would have space so our siblings and their families in the city have a place to stay if they want to spend the summer in the island. They could stay there for months without worrying about food. They will eat all organic during their stay. And on weekends we would visit a beach or falls and rivers and spend the whole day there, and would go back home before sun sets with our pick up truck and have a perfect evening scrolling through our social media feeds chatting with our close friends and family in far away places. I would create a blog about farming and living the provincial life, and our friends in the city would be messaging me about this awesome place. How wonderful, right?!

Buhay Introvert

Introvert – sabi ng Merriam-Webster app na nasa phone ko,  (verb)it means to turn inward or in upon itself, (noun) a shy person: a quiet person who does not find it easy to talk to other people.

High school and college years, hindi ko alam yung word na introvert. Ngayon lang matanda nako na discover ko yan. Saktong sakto kasi noong bata pa ako mahiyain talaga ako. Pag may bisita sa bahay, hindi ako lalabas, nagtatago ako sa mga taong hindi ko kilala. Dala ko yan hanggang ngayon. Yes, hanggang ngayon!

But sympre things change as people grow. Nabawasan ang pagiging mahiyain ko. I can talk to strangers when asking for directions or information. Pero hindi parin madali sakin maki chika, or inititate conversations, or break the ice, or make instant friends. I don’t know why pero feeling ko uubusin lahat ang lakas ko pag nakipag usap ako sa strangers, lalo na kung crowd.

Isa sa mga reasons kung bakit ako nag MBA is to challenge my introversion.  For the last many years, pareho mga taong nakakasalamuha ko sa araw araw. Uhm medyo nagsasawa nako sa mga mukha nila, hahaha! Joklang!  Pero feel ko talaga ma challenge  sarili ko maka meet ng ibang faces. Yun lang, hesitant talaga ko lumapit sa strangers makipag usap. First day of school, luckily may dalawang friendly na millennial ang nag approach sakin habang inaantay ang pagbubukas ng classroom. Mababait sila and hopefully madagdagan pa ang mga friends ko sa school hanggang sa matapos ko tong course nato.

Sobrang hanga ko lang sa mga taong madaling makipag kaibigan ng instant. Yung ten minutes pa lang kayong nag uusap parang close sila agad. Samantalang ako, feeling ko ayaw ako lapitan ng mga tao. Mabait naman ako. Ayoko nga lang sa mga taong palautang, hahaha!

Teka, kaming mga introverts ay hindi anti-social. Iba yun. Hindi kami galit sa tao. Mas prefer lang namin na mag isa most of the time, pero may mga panahon na kelangan namin ng company.  Sympre we still need connection, just like normal beings.

Mahirap maging introvert. According to this group sa fb na nag joiners ako, Filipino Introverts Group kung tawagin, ay madalas sa hindi misunderstood ang mga introverts. Andyan yang mga accusations na walang pakisama, anti-social, galit sa tao, galit sa mundo, at kung ano ano pa. Grabe sila no?

Anyway, akala ko noon mawawala din ang pagiging introvert. In my case, matanda na ko introvert pa din. Tingnan ko pagdating ko ng 40+ balitaan ko kayo. Dyan lang kayo ha?! May intro ba dyan??

Self-Talks

Tinatamad ako mag blog kasi I'm feeling meh! ;p Ano ba yung ibig sabihin ng feeling meh? But I feel like feeling meh! Or feeling blah!

I feel so lazy and unmotivated to do anything. I have a pending school work, a group work, but instead I'm binge watching this old Korean drama about doctors. I liked it, I should do my school work, and let me see if I can motivate myself in the following days to do what should be done first.

I feel like crap in the past few days. Though I had tried to motivate myself to be grateful and anything, there were times when I can't help myself but allow me to feel this way. So I felt like crap.

How not to feel like crap? I don't know. I know that our emotions are temporary, so why does some feelings just won't ever go?

Is it because of my job? I don't know. How do I change careers ba? I don't like doing the same things over and over again. Though I'm grateful for my job because it helps me for my needs and family's, I feel like there's more to it than that. There's more to life than this!

I should be grateful, I know but....

There's more to life than this!

Year End Reflections: People

Only later in my life I realized that I easily get attached to people. I don't look like it but I do. When these people leave I get hurt, even if I did not really develop close friendship with them, I get sad when people ignored me like they never knew me. I feel upset when people treated the way I least expect them to treat me because I liked them. 

Many years ago, there was this girl in our church who I like so much. She was a kind girl, about my age back then, pretty and talented. She was an acquaintance of my husband, and she would greet us with her friendliest smile everytime she sees us. We were not friends but when she died I get sad because I'd never see her again. 

This year, someone I know is getting married. I thought she treated me like a close friend because that's what she was to me. I even treated her like a sister. But I have been wrong all this time. I was just an acquaintance, a co-worker to her. I could say that because of an incident that showed her true colors, a part of her that I have not seen all these years. A flaw on her character that's just probably normal to any human being. A weakness that anybody, a woman can have. But I'd accepted her and treated her still like a true friend despite her weakness. The painful part is to find out that I was not a friend to her, after all these years. But just some regular person that's part of her everyday. 

I realized that I should not expect anything from anybody, even from those people who I thought cared about me. At my age, it's hard to find and keep true friends. In the coming years, I will keep the ones I already have, like a treasure. If I make new friends, I'd probably treat them the same way but never expect anything. It may hurt a little but I guess that's the way things are, and I always need to remind myself this universal truth.  

Kamusta Ka, Yung Totoo?

I have used these words a lot lately in instant messaging to ask some few friends how they've been doing. I only ask this to those who I really care about. Those I have not heard anything in a long time. Yes, I am aware of their Facebook activities, but I don't trust the newsfeed. For sure, what people post in social media is not even one fourth of what happens to them in real life.

When someone ask me "kamusta ka?" (that's how are you in Tagalog) my automatic response is "Okay lang" (I'm fine). That is always the case. Even if you know the person is not really okay, they would tell you they are okay, like it's a programmed automatic response. So instead I ask them "kamusta ka, yung totoo?", and some of the answers were I know from their hearts. It was such a relief that these people were honest about their feelings, and I'm glad that they trusted me, so I need to keep those conversations private no matter what. At these times when life hits us hard, all we need a friend who listens, and I just happen to have one. 

Finally, I was able to buy myself a laptop this first week of August. Even it's the most basic one my money can afford, I finally have something to use for my school and other internet stuff I can use at home. But just after a week I bought it, a virus tested my patience. It really ruined my week and I don't even want to go over the details! ;p And it taught me another life lesson.

School is starting to give me a little stress so I need to remind myself again and again that the learning and experience is the most important why I enrolled MBA and not to pressure myself for a high grade! (I used an exclamation point) Did I mention why I went back to school again in the first place? Oh, it's because...how do I say this...Nagsasawa na po kasi ako sa mukha ng mga kasama ko sa araw araw, gusto ko makakakita ng iba naman mukha bukod sa pamilya, katrabaho, at yung mga matagal ko nang kaibigan, Ibang mukha naman!!!! Kidding! I love you all! :D But seriously, sino bang normal na inday ang ayaw ng MBA degree?

So kamusta ako, yung totoo? How am I, really?  My heart is  still heavy. I don't know when this heartache will be over but I'm really working hard to keep my spirits high, my attitude positive and my disposition all good to make my everyday living as best as I could. I'm learning to be grateful with the things I already have, and I feel like God has heard my prayers.

Until next time! xoxo -- Claire

Have I Lost My Blogging Mojo?

My blog is around four years old. But before this pink blog was born, I used to write in Multiply, which I'm sure the site the millennials does not know about.  I have another blogger account but because I have extra-terrestrial powers, I lost it!

What happened to me during those time I was not blogging? Besides procrastinating (if not genuinely busy), I have been feeling melancholic since the end of 2016 until the first quarter of 2017. If this is synchronized with getting old, then so be it. Let's face it. I'm facing it. I'm getting old. Getting rheumatic, melodramatic and emotionally unpredictable. If you guys agree then dance with me!

I love to write. I have not mastered to write beautifully but I do it anyway. I feel like part of me is not complete if I don't write something down. If' I'm not to write my thoughts, I'd write a line of a song that I can most relate to during the moment. 

Back to the not so distant past, I suspected myself of going through depression. I was lonely and I could not explain it. Maybe part of it was an ugly experience I could not share here but the loneliness was something I have never felt before. It was worse than my first years of psoriasis, infertility years, and the death of  my father. So bad that if I would not wake up the following morning it was okay because everything seemed so meaningless. It felt like my life had no purpose. And the worst part? I felt so alone. No one was there for me. The online friends would "seen" zoned me when I said "hi".

I was wrong. It was not depression. Thank God.

I'm good now. Not at my best yet, but I'm doing at least okay than yesterday. Working hard to put on a happy face and disposition every single day. I'm on my way there and I want my blogging energy back. Not just in blogging but in life general as well. I hope things will go well, and maybe even better soon. I hope and pray and hope and pray....

As of this writing, there's just too many things in my mind. But buy me some time, I'm just gathering myself up and be back bouncing with life and energy (I'm motivating myself)

Can We Have Spring in the RP?

It's been hotter outside lately, summer is really getting into my nerves. Sometimes I think and argue with myself if I should feel lucky because I work in a space with an airconditioning unit right behind my back spitting cold air that pierce through my soul, literally and figuratively, because there were times it makes me feel miserable, and an utter sense of low self-esteem I cannot explain. No, there is no reason to feel lucky in this situation. I have thought of quitting my job but that's just not the wisest thing to do at present. So I'd keep my feelings to myself and be very patient for as long as I can bear it.

I should write about spring in the Philippines but where did my first paragraph go? Sorry loves! My back is aching right this very moment I'm writing this :) Spring, according to the web is the season between winter and summer. We don't have winter here, and our seasons are called wet and dry and you all know how wet and how dry we all can be in our beautiful archipelago.

I recently read a fiction where the story happened in Virginia, and in the novel, they have one of the loveliest spring in the US. Yes, I have imagined all the details the author have in the book and I wanted to go right there to see the colorful spring they've got. I wish we have that here. I can only dream of sitting under a tree with orange, red and yellow leaves looking like they're trying to outnumber each other. Anyway, enough about spring dreaming, I promise to visit Virginia during it's springtime when I get filthy rich! Hahahah!

Tomorrow is April 1! Wow! We are done with the first quarter of 2017 and what have I done?! Well, I have filled my Instagram with lots of beautiful photos. Hey, they are beautiful to me, don't argue! :D And here's one of my favorite:

I'm glad that it's Friday. This week has been shitty! I'm sorry for the word. Some people at work really tested my patience, and I failed when I promised myself I'd still be nice. But I'm still glad I was able to not to get so stressed. I'm happy this week has already passed and come Saturday, my sweet laundry is waiting for me.

Oh life!  Hey, this is my boring IG https://www.instagram.com/clairepfied/ you might want to follow me. Let me know you read this post. I love you! :)

2016 Is Almost Over, What Have I Done?

Feeling that old little feeling when people starts counting down for Christmas? I know right. But for couple of days now, I feel like "  a hell, what have I done with the past ten months?" this loud voice screaming in my head.

Despite my very best efforts to do the best I can and not procrastinate, I failed. Self, sorry, once again I failed you, and I'm so ashamed. I had all the energy at the start, but eventually it fades. Circumstances, challenges, and problems small, medium, and almost large kept crawling in and in an instant, my focus was gone.

Blogging 

I promised myself to read more to and write more so my English and writing would improve,but I miserably failed. I'm stalking a lot of blogs, read their every post, and envy the way they write. I get inspired but still, I don't think I have improved that much. Though I enjoy reading and updating my blog, I know to myself that I have wasted a lot of time.

Only few close friends (and I doubt if any in my family) knows about this blog. I don't really share this on Facebook. I put a link in my profile but I doubt if anyone bothers to click or check it out. I'd be happy if anyone did, and please if you happen to find this blog, let me know through my FB messenger I'd be really really happy! :)

Relationships

I know I was not the best wife, daughter, aunt, sister, friend, co-worker and some other roles I play but I am trying my best every day to be the best version of myself every day. I should probably try and work harder to be better, than ever. Please forgive me. To my loved ones - my husband, my family and extended family, and friends, I love you all more than you thought of, Most of the time it doesn't show but you are the reason why I'm here in this world, and I'm doing all I can to be always there for you. I hope you'd be able to read this.

Work Life.

I don't know what to say. As much as possible I want to keep all the whining to myself but hey, I guess I have the right. This is my blog. This air conditioning behind my back is tormenting me. It give me frequent back aches. I call it my tormentor. It sucks all the happiness inside of me. At the end of the day, I get all exhausted and a little depressed. All because of this effing air conditioning! And to that someone whom I used to hold grudges to, I have worked hard and tried to please you. But I guess I can never really please you. So I'll stop and just do the best I could, and if you're not happy with it I'm sorry because I'm not perfect. I don't know if I can be friends with you because it's so awkward.

Life In General.

At this point in my life, I have come to realization that life isn't really about having everything we wanted and hoped for. Ten years ago, all my plans were different from the kind of life that I have now. I can say that my life I was diverted to a far different path than what I planned it to be. That life consists of a roller coaster of emotions. It repeats over and over in different situations,but then you have all the power to chose whether you dwell with it, get carried away, or let it pass until one roll is over. I will live my life because I still have a lot of reasons to wake up and go out each morning. The people I love and the things that matter. It's my life!

Cheers to a very meaningful 2017!

Daydreaming

I am not the adventurous type of person, in fact I have surrendered myself to accepting I'm a lampa and duwag to do anything beyond my borders. But lately ( a little too late, it is) I realized that I am not getting the most out of life if I keep on holding on to my being lampa and duwag. I need to crack this shell and step out my comfort zones.

Too much of the drama... I have been dreaming of a little adventure lately. If you can call this little, I have been thinking of going places far far away, but within the country, of beaches and falls, caves and rivers, or anything nature.

I love beaches though I can't swim. I can lie all day on a shore where the waves are massaging my feet. I did that when we were in Catanduanes last year. Sayang wala kong pic ng ganung eksena. My back on the sand, and water from my waist down for about an hour, that was around 9 or 10 in the morning. Konti lang ang tao sa beach nun, parang kami lang ng family ko, a few other tourists and the resort staff lang ata. There was this moment na ako na lang ang tao sa dalampasigan, at ang sarap ng feeling. I feel so close to God when I'm at a beach.

I have been dreaming of going to beaches again lately. Yung malayo sa Manila at hindi madumi, malayo sa sibilisasyon kahit walang signal and celphone. Yung tipong kelangan pang mag trekking bago marating kasi worth in naman kahit mapagod ka.

Kaka google ko, I just found out na 4 out of 32 seasons ng Survivor dito sa Philippines ang location-  Caramoan, CamSur and Palaui Island, Cagayan. Gusto ko na silang puntahan! Naging fan ako ng Survivor kaya sige try ko kung kaya ko mag ala survivor like Parvati Shallow (knows nyo ba sya, bet ko hindi! Hahahah!)

I wish I have plenty of money to visit all those beaches!

xoxo,

Claire

On Trying To Be Creative With Photo Album Titles

Who doesn't love pictures? Most of us do, and surely most of us have Facebook accounts with tons of pictures organized in an album. But wait, haven't you noticed that you and your friends have probably have albums with almost the same titles:

Selfie Pa More

Woke Up Like This

Walang Magawa

Mother's (Insert Number) Birthday

(Insert Place) Vacation

When In (Insert Place)

Sari Saring or Halo Halo Pics

and there's just more album titles I'm sure that sounded nothing but new to you.

There are times you feel like you want to be different and you want to catch your friends attentions (and generate the number of likes that will make you happy) you try to think of extraordinary titles that you feel like nobody thought of but you.

I cannot think of any unique and attention-catching title myself but I'm have a few things (or words) in mind. What can you say about these:

The Face That Launched A Thousand Zits. For an album of all my close-up photos. My FB account does not have a lot of selfies because I am not that confident with my face. I am not blessed with a perfect skin so the album title suits me best.


When The Bird Poop Landed On My Head. For that memorable summer vacation where you went to the zoo or a safari where a bird poop from the heavens above hit any part your body and you knew it was fresh because it was still hot.


Now That Mother Can Go To Free Movies Every Monday. Instead of using Mother's 60th Birthday, or Grandma's birthday try coming up with any of the privileges our senior citizens loved ones enjoy.


(Insert Name) Epidural, Sleepless Nights, and Breastfeeding Soon! Instead of having Ana's Baby Shower. Quite Long for a title but I'm sure no one among your friends have a photo album with the same title.


The Return of Shoulder Pads, High Waisted Pants, and Big Curls. For that high school reunion photos, if you don't want them to know right away which year you were in high school, try naming your album the most popular in fashion back in those days ( who knows you might impress them for a fashion trendsetter back in your younger years!)


The Night I Found Out Marcus Was Gay. I just used the name Marcus as example, and his being gay, but you can use that unforgettable moment in a party or a celebration as the title of the photos you took that time. Pwede ring Ms Goody-Two-Shoes got drunk! Lol!

Sorry, I'm running out of ideas, maybe you guys got some! :D Have a great day you all!

My About Me Challenge

I hate my About Me page.  Since I started this blog, I still can’t decide what to write in it that I feel like the complete description of my blog and myself that not even those who know me does not know. I don’t like that page but I just leave it like that because I feel like there should be something in there.

I think the About Me page is really important. If it’s not one whole page, a blog should at least have a short or detailed info about the writer of the blog. When I see blogs that don’t have one, I stay away immediately. Anonymous blogs are fine, but as much as possible I follow blogs who have people who reveal their true identity in there because the possibility of made-up stories is lesser and I am assured that I’m reading true to life experiences.

I have difficulties with talking about myself.  That has been one of the biggest challenged that I ever face since…when…wait…I graduated college (I think). Those were the times of job hunting and the question of “Tell me something about yourself” was the most difficult part of the interview. I sucked at job interviews, that’s why I have never been confident in changing jobs.

And now I am faced with the pressure that I should have a good About Me page this time. This blog will be one year old soon…

Unrequited Love

I was born to love you. That’s something I have always believed in from the very beginning. I don’t understand my own feelings but I know I was right and will always be. There are no words that can explain this kind of feeling that I have for you. I had no idea how or when it all began, but I am absolutely sure that this is not some kind of infatuation or just a temporary kind of bliss, not even just a state of mind.

I love you. I have loved you even before I was born into this world. I have loved you when I started to talk and walk, and feel happiness and loneliness.  I have loved you even before I totally understood the meaning of love itself.  You were there for me during happy and sad times.  You were there for me when life became too complicated, and even at times when things are smooth and slow. You’ve always been there, at all times.

But why can’t you love me back. I’ve tried all things that I possibly could. I tried to learn everything about you, exerted all my effort to bring myself to you.  I have tried, and sometimes I get tired until I reached the point of almost giving up.

Music. Why can’t you love me back? I love to sing, or play an instrument but things don’t turn out the way I want it to be.  I give all my voice, but it just doesn’t sound right.  Music – don’t you love me back? Singing – can’t you love me back? Oh, please, just love me back!

Photo credits to imagerymajestic via FreeDigitalPhotos

An Afternoon With Old Friends

A few days ago, I was able to squeeze some time to meet up with my old friends from college. I only had a couple of close friends back then. Most of them were my classmates in almost all subjects since we took up the same course, that's how we became friends. Since we graduated, I can only count on my fingers the number of times we've seen each other.

Early afternoon, I met them up at a small fast food restaurant somewhere in Rizal. I arrived thirty minutes past the time we agreed upon. I miscalculated my travel time, so I was late and I hate being late.

I already caught sight of them the moment I pushed the door open inside. Of course, I will never forget those faces. Anj and Sha, they were two of the best persons I have ever met in my life. Anj, whom I never saw again since we graduated  (we still managed to message each other thru FB or text though) until this time, and Sha, my maid of honor, whom I last saw was over a year already.

We're all from Rizal, our home. But since I moved away when I got married and all of us got busy in our own lives, finding the time to see each other was not that easy.It was Sha who initiated the meet-up, or I'd rather call it a mini-reunion sans the party-ish vibe. It's almost like having a cup of coffee with friends in a fast food chain in the middle of a noisy rural business district, but having halo halo instead.

Image from the web

I went home with a happy feeling. It was so nice seeing them again and being able to know what they're up to at this point in time of their lives. And knowing that they're still the same friends I had many years ago. They're all doing good in their lives. Sha who is happily in-love and with a good career as well, and Anj, while still waiting for the love to come knocking on her door but doing great in the financial aspect of her life. I realized that I've been left behind - career wise. I also thought that I was at their bottom when it comes to financial status. But I never really felt that way with them. They're still the same simple people I knew - no air of pride nor arrogance. Real simple people like me.  The very same people who added meaning to my boring but dreaded college life.

Flashback Friday: That 70's Chic

This post is dedicated to my beloved mother because she is celebrating her birthday on the 24th.


I don't know what year this picture was taken, I never really asked my mother. But for sure I was never born yet nor my siblings because she was still unmarried here, so I guess this is sometime in the 70's just based upon looking at the clothes.


I have nothing much to say about my mother because words are just not enough and my heart cannot contain how grateful I am to God for a mother like her. She's hardworking, patient, selfless, kind, understanding and many other things.


And as much I can think about many other things about her, I know I can't just finish writing them down because I will only cry.


So to my Mama, I owe you so much! Some people said that a woman can never repay her mother until she becomes a mother herself. But fate and science may have made a bad joke about my reproductive system that I may not be able to bring children into this world, but I will somehow do anything and everything I can to at least pay you back even half of what you have done for me. I always pray to God to add a couple of more scores in your life and to Papa as well and I love you both to the moon and back!

See, I'm almost crying now :)

I'm Inspired To Blog Because

My poor writing skills and limited internet access did not stop me when I decided to create a blog. I used to keep a notebook where I write all my thoughts back in my younger years. That's how I blog back then. I still keep that notebook until now after so many years, and reading those things I wrote there made me realize that I've really grown as a person. I thought that if we document our lives with photographs, why not do the same with words through a blog.

A tool to learn. I know there's so much for me to learn, and this process will never end for as long as I live. I've been reading blogs since I learned to use the internet and I always thank God for this amazing human invention. When I thought blogging was just for sharing what you already know, I realized I was wrong when I created a blog that was supposed to be a personal online diary. Now I'm enjoying blogging as a hobby and learning is just a bonus.

It keeps me sane. In this crazy world that we live in, amidst all the challenges of life, for a woman who does not talk much, life won't be so easy if I don't have anything to express my feelings with. I feel like I'm going to turn into a walking machine if I don't. It gets me off the hook from the mundane living. Writing and blogging has always been a big help.

When I'm gone. I know this sounds morbid but eventually, we will all gonna die, right? At least most people believe in that idea. When that happens, at least people who know me can just check my blogs. It's as if I'd still be living when they read my posts here.  Awoo...:)This will forever remind them that I appreciate life even more for  having them.

A challenge to live a life worth sharing. I have a life, the most precious gift from God which I'm thankful for every day. I am accountable to this life that He gave me so I have to make the most of it despite all my shortcomings, imperfections and limitations. And every single day, I think of ways to make my life meaningful and to make it an inspiration to other people and touch their lives. I am challenged to try new things so that I have something to share to the people around me. Isn't this enough reason to blog?

Parang promdi na bagong salta sa Maynila, ako man sa blogosphere.

A Scary Black Saturday Story

Just when I thought I was going to have four straight days of staycation, I was dead wrong. There was some urgent stuff that I needed first thing in the morning of April 1, and I only found it out just last Wednesday at 4:45 in the afternoon where the next days would be holidays, yes, just a few minutes before I was about to go home . Ambot! It ruined all my hayahay plans. Instead of staying in the office after five because I had errands to do, I decided to just drop by the office on Black Saturday, because some officemates would be working on that day too. You know those month-end reporting the Accounting department does, those reporting does not recognize holidays. So lo and behold, I had to work on a Sabado de Gloria!

So Black Saturday came, I was at the office at two in the afternoon expecting that I could finish the work around five or six. Five o 'clock came, I was still working and left alone at the Finance office, everyone else went home. A few minutes later, a little girl wearing a white shirt came in. She had long hair, thin and looked pale. She stared at me but did not speak, then went out the door heading the Production area. I thought she was just a co-worker's daughter. I dialed a local number to ask someone something. No one was answering so I called the guard to ask if this person reported for work. The guard answered "Mam, kayo na lang po, si janitor, saka ako na lang ang andito sa planta" (Ma'am there is only you, a janitor and me left in the building) I told the guard "Ha? eh may bata dito pumasok sa office, kanino kayang anak 'to, di kaya taga labas nakapasok lang dito?" (But there's a kid that just came in, must be from around the area) Then the guard said "sige Mam, check ko sa paligid baka andyan pa"(Yes, I'll just checked if she's still there). But that time, I was scared already. I've heard ghost stories in this plant but never really experienced one. 

So I went on working, thinking that the kid was just really from around the area because there's a mall and a residential building nearby. Or probably just a street kid, she did not look clean, by the way. Few more minutes had passed, I was so rushing the work so I could get home when the fax machine rang, it was out of paper so I put some. When the fax was printed I was so shocked with what I saw. A black and white photo of the girl I just saw! I threw the paper away, grabbed my bag then walked toward the emergency exit door. I was so scared I thought the hair in every part of my body were all standing straight. The door was locked and it was difficult to open so I just run toward the main door, but I was once again shocked when I saw the little girl  through the glass door passed by the hallway and her clothes were covered with blood! Good grief, I tried to keep calm thinking that it was probably just my imagination! I went back to my desk and dialed the guard's number but no one answered so I just went out that door, but the little girl was gone. When I reached the guard's office, no one was there. I sat on the metal bench when the phone rang. It took me a few seconds to gather my defenses to answer the phone. Just before I was about to speak, I heard a girl's voice crying on the other line. I slammed the phone down and run as fast as I could. I heard the guard and the janitor calling my name but I never looked back. (please scroll down, as I'm too scared to continue this..)
                                                       

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That was Black Saturday and today is April 1 - April Fools' Day. So sorry that I just made this whole story up to prank you. Joke lang to!! Sorry, you've just been Punk'd!

Happy April Fools' Day!!!!!  :)