Monday, February 4, 2019

Maybe I Should Stop Trying So Hard

Last night, I wrote in my journal what I was supposed to write for the last day of January. I had missed three weeks of journaling. But even though I failed at one of my goals to write at my journal everyday, I'm glad that January is over. I failed in the month I hated the most. The year started out fine with me, my hopes were high and my spirit was all positive. But things changed in the middle, and I was back to my old self. Worried, hopeless, and self-pitying.

Two Fridays ago, I was browsing my friends' list in Facebook. I had unfollowed a lot of people and I decided to check some of them, how they'd been doing after years of not getting an update. Then I saw one college friend who looked so thin in her display picture, and got curious because she was extremely overweight when we were in college. I looked at all her pictures and saw that two former colleagues work with her now, along with some of my classmates in graduate school. What a small world. These two old colleges have already finished their MBA's, my college classmate looked like she's still getting her degree, and I have known that my MBA classmate is just completing his thesis. They are all in the same company, that government owned company who gets the biggest appropriation from the national budget. No, I think they're second with DPWH! hahaha!

And so the emotion began. I self pitied and felt so sorry for myself for being a failure. They have good jobs, earning maybe three times more than I do, and have their MBA's while I'm stuck at home after work washing my husbands underwear. I cried lying on the cold floor for how many hours until I remembered I had to cook rice and it was already late. Like a movie scene, but the loneliness was real.

When would luck ever strike me? I never asked for much. I just wanted a life where I could help my family and provide for our needs. Just needs. I have done my part, I have tried, I have worked hard, I have been honest, I have integrity, I have been a good person. And what?

If this was my destiny, so should I just stop working hard and just let things be since all my efforts would just be wasted?


Wednesday, January 16, 2019

First Half of January: My Anxious Thoughts and Morality


Last week on my way to work, I was stopped by a thin man with a backpack in white shirt supposedly asking for directions. I told him the place is just nearby but he would need to take one more ride and then he told me he had no money, that he lost his wallet and he had been walking since dark. I asked him where he came from and why he was going to that place. He said he was going to his aunt. I am a person who can’t distinguish if a person is lying or not, specially a stranger, and the thought that if this man was my friend or a family member what would I do? So the angel inside me won (imagine the scene where an angel and a demon on either side of your head arguing, lol!) I gave him money and told him to just take a ride and eat in a nearby carinderia because he was shaking which I asked earlier and told me he had not eaten and been walking overnight. He did not look like a beggar or a homeless man, but my conscience said he was telling the truth. Besides a hundred pesos would not make him richer, nor it would make me poorer and I was going to be late for work.

In the Philippines, giving alms to beggars would make you think twice. Most of these people pretending to be beggars belong to the large population of Filipinos. Poor parents use their children to beg in the streets because they easily get sympathy from people. Whose heart would not get poked by a hungry looking child?  Some of them are just lazy and irresponsible parents who use poverty as an excuse to ask money from those of us who work hard to afford a decent meal and take advantage of our good hearts. Sometimes, if I have food in my bag I would give it to the kid, but most of the time I fight the impulse to give out coins. Encountering street beggars has become a normal part of my life and if it's right to be giving them alms is right or not is I think subjective to every person.

Meanwhile, because of these anxious thoughts that I had been having recently, I started to think about life insurance. I had wanted to get a life insurance since many years back, but my financial condition cannot afford it, specially now that my husband and I are renting an apartment. Everyday I pray to God to always take care of my loved ones, and that I won’t die ahead of my mother. I’ll be thirty nine this year and my hair starts to turn seriously gray, it worries me. Although some people say I don’t look my age, it does not help. I still worry and sometimes I can’t fight it. The fact that I’m aging and not helping much to the people who needs me bothers me a lot. No, I am not depressed and I don’t have anxiety, it’s just a normal part of being an adult. I guess.

As of this moment, I need to set my anxious thoughts aside because there’s still tons of work to do. I stopped by for a quick blog.



Monday, December 31, 2018

Thank you 2018!

I can't believe 2018 is almost over with very few blog posts. No, it's not that I don't love to blog anymore, it's just that...well I have journals to fill and I almost forgot to blog. Forgive me. So before the clock strikes 12 tonight, let me at least write my thoughts here.

My 2018 has been challenging. A lot has changed specially in the last quarter. I began 2018 with so much anticipation for my graduate studies, then due to unexpected circumstances, I needed to stop and it felt like forcing myself would not be the best at that moment.

This year, I was surprised and probably relieved to discover some people's true colors. I don't judge them but I am okay to accept that that's what they are, and I'm glad to learn to let people go without feeling hurt anymore. That's life. I stopped expecting so much from anyone anymore and if I do them favors, that's out of love and not expecting anything in return.

This year, I learned to give more than I did in the past. Though I don't have much material wealth to share, I think I have fairly gave my best specially to my loved ones. I hope to give more in the years to come because despite all that had happened, I feel like God has been so good to me.

This year, I have not been attending church yet for a couple of years now but I did not feel like God hates me for that. I know that God understands. I don't believe in religious groups anymore but I do still believe that there is a loving God who would not punish me if I dont give enough money offerings to the church.

This year, I know that I have become a better person, a better me. Though this was not the kind of life that I planned, I believe that this is maybe the best. It's almost midnight, hope everyone who chance upon this blog and my friends and family have a wonderful 2019!!!

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Ay November Na Pala!

It's been ages na pala since my last blog post. I have been really busy about my life lately that I barely have time to update my online diary. I also stopped writing in my journal (courtesy of Mercury Drug) but it's almost filled with writings. There are only five pages left, I think.

So what happened while I was gone. I'm still opening my Reading List, still updated with my favorite blogs, Cup of Jo, Life Without Baby, Mommy Fleur, to name a few. Dami nila. I love their blogs. Naalala ko pa yung dream ko noon na magkaroon ng sikat na blog. Mangyayari pa kaya.

Anyway, highway, nakalimutan ko na yung iba pang ganap simula nung last blog post ko. Ordinary kemers lang naman. But the "ber" months were really huge changes in my life. Something happend in August. My husband and I had a conflict with one of his family member, his sis in law. I did not understand what her problem was. I only came up with a conclusion that she was probably stressed with all that she have on her shoulders - money problems, raising two young children, the pressures from people around her, and I don't know but maybe she had some issues with her life and she poured out all these frustrations to the people nearest to her - us. That was the time I decided and told my husband to find a place of our own and finally do not live with his family - my inlaws.

So aparment hunting kami, there were issues with the paasang kapitbahay/apartment owner until we finally found one just a ride away from everywhere, haha! The moving out and in was so refreshing, but the adjustment process, like any other adjustments, is difficult in the beginning.

But before we moved to a new home, our office moved to a new location, it's just one barangay from the old office, but, it's feels like it's in the outskirts of QC, hahaha! Going to work looks like I'm visiting my old aunt who lives in a decent residential area where you need to take a "special" trip of a tricycle because jeepneys do not pass along those roads, come to think that Sto Nino and Concepcion  are just two neighboring barangays in this place. If I going to spend 60 pesos as an additional fare, I kenat! That's one thousand two hundred a month, and no! I was not willing to spend that money for transportation so I decided I'd just walk going to work, and so I did. My morning routine took a hundred and eight degrees turn!

I thought the adjustment would be easy but I was wrong. I had an emotional breakdown and felt very little about myself. Something happened at work before we moved in to the new location, I half-blamed myself and I could feel that some people put the blame on me too. I realized a lot of things and I discovered a lot more with the people I work with. I could not concentrate on things, I worried a lot and somehow lost faith in myself (again) which I thought long before that I could overcome now. But I found myself in that place where I have been many times before - bottom. It really hurt that all the many good things that you have done, would be erased by one mistake not is not even your fault.

Now, I'm back to feeling good. Determined to achieve the (secret) goals that I have set. Though I skipped graduate school this semester because I think it added much extra weight to the burden I have been carrying, I have plans to continue it and really hope and pray to finish it.

On the other hand, I want to send this message to one of my good and oldest friend: Dear S, I really get upset when I text you and I don't get a text back, and even when it takes you hours or days before I get a response. I feel like you don't want me in your life anymore. You are one of the best people I have ever have in my life and I want to be your friend until we grow old and die. We are both busy most of the time with our own lives, but I just want to let you know that I will always be your friend even if you decided not to be my friend anymore. I will still be here. Just let me know if you need me.

Until next time.

Claire


Sunday, June 17, 2018

Wedding And Then Some

It's Sunday morning. I heard the rain from inside the house earlier but the sun is shining now. I'm here at the mall alone, ( I treated myself a cup) sipping my cafe latte doing nothing so I'm typing this post using my phone. My husband is busy, enjoying the charity ride with his group somewhere in Montalban. He loves to bike, so I let him ride with a group of other bike loving men once in a while. Today is fathers day, but since my father has been gone for years now and my husband has not fathered a child, I have to dismiss this loneliness that could loom anytime.

I had a great week that passed. I attended a wedding last June 9 where it was also my first time as a principal sponsor. In Filipino tradition, principal sponsors act as godparents to the couple, and though I feel a little too young (at 37) to be their godmother, it was okay. In fact I was excited since the last formal wedding that I attended was my own, which was eleven years ago. And I'm happy because the bride is a close friend and know a lot about their love story and I know they are going to be good husband and wife and future parents. The best part of the ceremony was the kissing the bride part. It's probably a once in a lifetime experince to witness a couple's first kiss on their wedding day, I know if you're reading this, you won't believe it but it's true. So I put my phone away (i know almost everyone is recording) and just enjoy the moment. And I feel so happy for the couple it almost made me cry. Almost :)

Also this week, my husband and I celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. We made it past ten!!! I often joke about it telling him "Wow, ( number of years) na nating tinitiis ang isat isa!" (Wow, we've been enduring each other for ( number) of years!) And we would just laugh about it. The past eleven years were a lot of highs and lows, and rock bottom for me. But we're still here and I'm happy to have him and we're growing old together. We don't have much but I'm happy and I'm so grateful for that.

It's been raining this past week. On the other side, it's nice to have a little lot of rain after weeks of humid weather that made every fold of my body sweat. Rain falls and sun shines and clouds roll by alternately at this time. A few days ago, a pregnancy announcement breaks my all-okay-I-can-face-life's-challenges-happy self. I asked the air under my chin when will this feeling ever end? As much as I wanted to be happy for that person, the pain in every fiber of me is so strong, it consumes me until surrendering to this heartache is all I could do. I want to be happy for their happiness but it feels like I'm trying to light a candle with a wet matchstick during a big storm. It's me and really sorry for feeling this way. Infertility sucks.

The mall is getting crowded now. I could use a few hundreds to buy something to reward myself for being a good wife, daughter, aunt, employee, and finishing summer classes for my graduate studies. Bye for now :)

Thursday, June 7, 2018

What Happened to May?


Hi blog! It’s been a while since my last post. Nobody cares, but I do! (Big smile) There’s nothing new in my routine, so I guess there’s nothing much to blog about. There are no significant changes, really. My weight is still around fifty kilograms, no gain no loss but I’m fine with that. I only want to lose my belly fat, and I have not had any new pimples so far. So I believe that life is going better for me.

Have I told you I had been drinking lemon water first thing in the morning for the past five months? I squeeze half a lemon in a cup of hot (not that hot) water and drink it first thing when I wake up every morning. I don’t see any drastic change in my body, but I feel a little better lately. So I’m gonna continue doing this until I get tired of doing it, lol!

And my attempt to establish this routine of exercising for about fifteen minutes every morning has not been very successful. I want to exercise for health though, not for vanity. I’m old and married to be vain. I’m not saying that being vain is for young and single people though, but I’m in the stage of my life where looks is not that very important anymore. My husband (and maybe the people around me) are okay with the way I look. Though I exert extra effort to get clear skin (my face) because it’s been my dream to get that clear and young looking face, but with my limited budget, maybe I just need to learn to be contented with what I have, and what I can afford.

I have finished twenty one units in my MBA, and I’m quite happy with it. A year ago, I never thought I would get this far. Summer classes is almost over. We still have class on June 9 but there’s a wedding I need to attend on that day, and luckily the exam we are going to have in my one subject is a take home exam, we’ll just wait for it in our emails and pass it to our professor on the sixteenth. 

And in between my work, mall and market visit, and family visit in my home town, I watch a lot of educational videos, TED Talks, and anything I find interesting in Youtube. I'm trying to go back to reading and I wish myself some luck on this!

That’s it, I finished twenty one units, and some more to go. I don’t know what the future holds but for now, I’ll just do what I should do, go with the flow, and enjoy life as it is, right now.
I guess that’s it for now. This has been my life lately. Until next blog post from your tita! Hahahah!




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