Thursday, December 7, 2017

Year End Reflections: People

Only later in my life I realized that I easily get attached to people. I don't look like it but I do. When these people leave I get hurt, even if I did not really develop close friendship with them, I get sad when people ignored me like they never knew me. I feel upset when people treated the way I least expect them to treat me because I liked them. 

Many years ago, there was this girl in our church who I like so much. She was a kind girl, about my age back then, pretty and talented. She was an acquaintance of my husband, and she would greet us with her friendliest smile everytime she sees us. We were not friends but when she died I get sad because I'd never see her again. 

This year, someone I know is getting married. I thought she treated me like a close friend because that's what she was to me. I even treated her like a sister. But I have been wrong all this time. I was just an acquaintance, a co-worker to her. I could say that because of an incident that showed her true colors, a part of her that I have not seen all these years. A flaw on her character that's just probably normal to any human being. A weakness that anybody, a woman can have. But I'd accepted her and treated her still like a true friend despite her weakness. The painful part is to find out that I was not a friend to her, after all these years. But just some regular person that's part of her everyday. 

I realized that I should not expect anything from anybody, even from those people who I thought cared about me. At my age, it's hard to find and keep true friends. In the coming years, I will keep the ones I already have, like a treasure. If I make new friends, I'd probably treat them the same way but never expect anything. It may hurt a little but I guess that's the way things are, and I always need to remind myself this universal truth.  

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Year End Reflections: That Feeling

December has just started, but I'm already feeling that feeling again - that ending-the-year-and-beginning-a-new-one kind of feeling. I get that melodramatic feeling again.

I don't get much excited about Christmas anymore, not as much as when I was younger. Though I love seeing old friends, receiving extra money and gifts, the whole celebration thing exhausts me. The introvert me! 

Many years back, this was not the kind of Christmas that I had expected. I thought I'd be buying gifts for my mini-me, or a little boy that looked like my husband. But it has not happened. If it ever will, I don't really know. But right now, I just want to be at the moment and enjoy all that I have.

They say Christmas is for the children. I would love to believe that rather it's for everyone. For everyone who knows how to love unconditionally, like how Jesus Christ who is the true message of this season loved His people.  For everyone who has been knocked down by the storms in their lives and able to got back up again and sees life as still beautiful like nothing happened. It's for everyone.

This year, I will be joining the parade, go with the flow, be merry like everyone, and just be ready to start another one revolution around the sun ready to meet life's challenges full of hopes and love in my heart. I am keeping this feeling.  

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Endings and Beginnings


So November will end soon, I guess I need to look back at what I have posted for the past eleven months and review my progress both for this blog and for me as a person. I had planned to have at least one post a week but obviously I failed. I was just too busy or lazy.

The past weeks were nothing but same old problems and daily routines. Except for a quick visit to a big house full of lights that recently opened for the public to see. They call it “The Christmas House”.   It was our second time, and I think this year the house is livelier, and prettier than ever. It had decorated double the lights and flowers, and the visitors doubled. I can’t imagine visiting on a weekend. I’d like to thank the owner, whoever they are, for the free public visit. Sorry for the blurry photo below.


This past week also started my second semester for my MBA classes. I noticed the increase in the number of students, and was glad to see the nice faces from last semester. I’d be going to spend my whole Saturday in school for the next months, and the first day was kinda exhausting.

I need to end this post because I’m working on shorter posts for this blog. See you!


Thursday, November 23, 2017

Humans of New York

For the past months, I have been reading a lot about self-improvement and watching a lot of motivational videos. I've been doing this not because I believe that these are the things I need  to really change my life, but also because I want to learn what strong values that people believed in and how it helped them become successful. And yes, of course, I know that I still have a lot to improve myself, so I guess I kind of need these ideas for myself too. Am I getting you confused? No, just irritated! :D

So far my favorite channel in Youtube is TED Talks. There were so many of these videos I have watched, some are boring and some have really inspired me. It's really different when you hear people speak of their personal experience. The sound of their voice, the gestures they make, the expressions of their faces are what makes their ideas resonate to the viewers and make an impact. I think this is better than reading self help books alone. I'm addicted to hear more ideas and hopefully incorporate them in my personal life as well.

Another recent discovery that I got hooked watching is the Facebook page Humans of New York. It was just an Instagram account that I randomly discovered. An artistic photo of a stranger from New York, and a short sort of story about their lives, maybe the major issues they were currently facing written so well that reading them makes it feel like these people are personally talking to me. Then just a couple of months ago, they launched their facebook page and made them into videos. Random people from New York, they are not celebrities or social media superstars, just ordinary people like us in a short video about their personal lives. Some stories are very touching and some are just ordinary "first world" kind of problems but you can feel that it's real. If I were only to chose one page in FB to follow, this is it.

I'm the kind of person who wants to hear stories of people how they overcome difficult situations in their lives. Each of us are facing problems and no one lives a life just exactly the same as the other, so we can learn and be inspired by each others stories. But asking people to share me such thing is not easy. They would think you're nosy, or some nuts if I just go out asking strangers to share me their lives. It's not easy to to do and connections are hard to find. Same with making (and keeping) friends.

And, of course, I love it more when the videos were shot in Central Park. I love Central Park! I wish we have something like that in the Philippines, but I don't think it will happen. Maybe at least not while I'm still alive. 



Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Wala.

Them:  "Ilan na anak mo?"
Me:      "Wala"
Them:   "Ay bakit wala?"
Me:      "............."



Sana na natigil na lang dun sa "wala". Ang hirap kasing mag paliwanag dun sa follow up question na "bakit" kasi hindi ko alam kung sigurado ako sa isasagot ko, o kung tama ba yung sasabihin ko na maiintindihan ng kausap  at matanggap nya ang paliwanag ko at matigil na sa topic na yan ang usapan. Nung mga unang taon ng buhay may asawa ko, ang tanong kung may anak na ba ako. Ngayon kung ilan na daw ang anak ko.



Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses akong tinanong kung bakit. Hindi ko na rin maalala kung ano yung mga nasagot ko. Basta natandaan ko lang yung tumahimik lang ako, o ngumiti na lang ako kasi hindi naman na mahalagang i record ko pa sa isip ko yung mga nasabi ko.

Dun sa mga nagtanong sakin kung meron ba akong anak, at sinagot ko ng wala, at hindi na nag tanong ng "bakit" gusto ko silang yakapin. Kesehodang na feel nila ako o hindi sila interesado, sa mga sandaling iyon, napa bulong ako ng maiksing panalangin na sana lahat ng tao tulad nila. Natanggap na lang nila na wala. Wala pa or wala talaga. Hindi na mahalaga sa kanila. Kasi tao din naman ako, babae, at hindi iba sa karamihan.

Ang hirap. Walang salitang kayang makapagpaliwanag ng nararamdaman ko. Hindi rin ito maiintindihan ng karamihan lalo na ng mga babaeng hindi dumaan sa ganito. Lalo na ng mga taong hindi bukas ang isip na hindi lahat ng bagay ay nangyayari lang ng ayon sa gusto nila o yung pangkaraniwang na sa lahat. Hindi ganun eh. Minsan may mga tao na naiiba ang landas na tinatahak. Pinili nila o hindi. Hindi lahat ng buhay ng tao pare pareho. Hindi lahat ng babae pinanganak ng may perpektong matris. At kahit ayaw nilang maniwala hindi lahat ng babae ginustong magluwal ng tao sa mundong ito.

Pero ganun pa man, gusto ko pa ring sagutin yung tanong nila sa paraang tatanggapin nila at maiintindihan. Kaya lang hindi ko alam kung paano. Bago pa kasi ako maka isip ng salita, bago pa ito mabuo sa mga bibig ko, nauuna na makaramdam ng sakit, lungkot, pagluluksa, galit at pagkalito ang buong katawan ko. Lahat yan, sabay sabay na mararamdaman ko habang pina process ng isip ko yung gusto kong ipahiwating sa tanong na ito.

Sa mga pagkakataong sumasagot ako ng "wala po eh" sa mga tanong na "bakit", alam ba nilang mas masakit yung mga unsolicited na payo at mga side comments:

"Hindi buo ang pamilya pag walang anak"
"Bilis bilisan nyo, napag iiwanan na kayo!"
"Try nyo yung ganitong position!"
" Sumayaw kayo sa Obando!"
"Uminom kayo ng ganito, at kumain ng ganito, 3x a day!"
"Pahilot ka kay Mang Kepweng, magaling yan!"
"Mag ampon kaya kayo!"

At isang libong version ng ganito: "Ah dadating din yan, si kapatid ng hipag ng kapitbahay ng pinsan ng empleyado ng barangay, after 14 years nag ka anak din, kaya wag ka mawawalan ng pag asa!"

At kasabay ng mga sandaling ito,sa isang sulok ng puso ko, hinihiling ko na lang na kainin ako ng lupa, o kaya biglang lumindol para makaligtas sa napa ka uncomfortable na sitwasyon na ito.

Bakit ba ganun? Kahit ano, wag lang wala.

Dahil akala nila wala akong problema? Maraming pera, walang stress at puro sarili lang ang iniisip. Dahil gusto nila maranasan ko din yung mga hirap nila kaya ayaw nilang magtapos na lang sa wala? Mahirap din yung wala. Yung tuwing magbubukas ka ng Facebook makikita mo yung pangarap mo napakadaling nangyayari sa lahat, tapos ikaw parang pinagdadamutan ng tadhana. Yung sa lahat ng okasyon sa bawat buwan ng taon, ipapaalala sayo na may kulang sa buhay mo, hindi ka kumpleto, walang kang ambag sa lipunang ito hanggang hindi ka nagsisilang ng buhay sa mundo. Hindi man nila sinasabi pero iyon ang mensahe. Kaya ba ayaw nila sa sagot na "wala"?

Wala naman na akong magagawa. Sa ganang akin, alam kong hindi ganun. Ayokong maniwala na ang buhay ng isang babae ay bibigyang kahulugan ng reproductive organs nya, o ng desisyon nya sa buhay na magka anak.  At sa mga taong tanggap ako sa kabila ng aking kawalan, mahal pa rin nila ko, salamat sa inyo. Mahal ko rin kayo ng dalawa at kalahating beses. Salamat sa malawak ninyong pang unawa at mabuti ninyong puso.

Sa ngayon, pagpasensyahan nyo na lang kung hindi ko sinasagot ang tanong nyong bakit. Bahala na kayong magbigay ng dahilan at hanggang maari sa sarili nyo na lang. Sa akin, hindi na man na iyon mahalaga...




The Trappings of Christmas

Because it's November, the season of me worrying about gift giving on Christmas day has just began. I admit, I worry more than allow myself to enjoy the festivities. Do I love Christmas? I used to. When I was a kid. But don't all children do?


Don't get me wrong, I still love Christmas. But being the adult who is expected more to give than to receive on this season, I get really stressed. Don't get me wrong again, it's not that I don't want to give. It's just sometimes, we are expected to give more than what we have, or we can afford. I do believe that it is always better to give than to receive. Giving makes me happy, and seeing these people who was happy with what I gave them makes me even happier. Those smiles on their faces are priceless.


I'm happy when I receive gifts myself, especially from people I least expect to receive gifts from. It does not matter if it's a soup bowl or toilet cleaning brush, it's the thought that counts. 

It's the middle of November already, and I have not started buying gifts yet. I wish I have a bonus, apart from my 13th month pay, which is I set aside for our house construction. I wish my company would earn three times its income for the past years in the next years, so the blessings would be shared to ALL employees ;p Hahaha! Enough of dreaming.

Anyway, highway, whoever happens to stumble upon this blog, who know me in real life, leave a comment or let me know. I might include you in my Christmas list! :)

Have a Merry Christmas everyone!

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