I'm writing this blog because I'm trying not to die

 I am not suicidal, don't worry. Right this moment, I am not happy but not miserable either. 

The last time I posted in this blog was October 2022, just a month after my mother passed away. Since then, there's not a day that I have not thought about her. I miss her everyday, and my father, and Blacky, my dog who has witnessed every tears that I have cried since mother was hospitalized in November 2021. 

Let me go over about what happened one more time:

November 2021: we took mother to the hospital when she was pale and weak, we later on found out it was cancer.

April 2022: I left my fifteen year job.

From then on to September 2022: trying to find a remote job in between hospitals and taking care of mother at home.

September 2022: mother passed away in the quiet of the night. Her last request was, oddly, coffee. Had I known, I bought her Starbucks.

From then on, trying to go back to the normal life by sending out job applications to every job posts I feel I can do.

Been rejected maybe two hundred times, horrible job interview experience, having discriminated and judged, broke, and lonely at the worst.

November, I thought I got the greatest opportunity of my career, turned out to be my boss was a monster in disguise. I don't want to judge her, but she was at that time.

Late 2022 to early 2023, I got a freelance job but this was not for me. July 2023 I was hired again, but decided to leave after two weeks. I went home feeling utterly miserable and told my husband I wanted to just die. 

I guess this was the place they call Rock Bottom. And hitting it again one more time has made me feel numb and lost my interest in almost everything in life.

August 2023, I reached out to my former manager at my old job, and I was glad I did not have to beg. She welcomed me back. I started a new challenging role in a newly formed team.

Is my life going back to what it used to be? No. It will never be.

Now that my life is divided in only two timelines: When my parents were still alive and now.

I have accepted that this is how my new life begins and I am starting to learn to be grateful because as my spiritual teacher (aka Youtube) said, being grateful is the beginning on how to heal ones self from the trauma that life has brought us.

We all have traumas. Maybe mine will take a long while to heal, but now I am facing the rough road of the beginning of this journey.

Let the healing begin.