Childless, Motherless

 I have opened this blog and all I see are the blogs I follow about life being childless and I remembered it's world childless week. I have not been bothered about being childless for quite some time now. I was occupied with other things.

Now, my mother is gone. Both my parents are gone. Cancer took them both from us. I never imagine this more difficult. My mother is a big part of my life even though I lived miles away from her since I got married. No person ever believed in me like my mother did. Losing her feels like losing half of myself, my life. Without her, it seems like I'm a ship navigating the seas in the dark, without the sight of a lighthouse. She was my lighthouse. 

I miss her everyday, and I will miss her forever. I will miss all her goodness and stubbornness, her kind words even her nonsense and annoying side.

She is the most hardworking woman I have ever met. She would plant flowers and vegetables in every little vacant land near the house. She had made sure we ate well and full. She had given us everything she could ever give. She was just the mother any child would ever need.

Now, I don't know how to start with my life all over again. I'm only 42, I had wished she would live until she's 80 but fate took 8 years from that wish. I have no job to go back to, and there's so much about this new life that I need to get used to. And I have no idea how. How to live life from this moment on and make it better. 

I know I should be at peace because she's already in the most perfect place.

But now, I should just probably allow myself to be lonely, sad, scared and lost.