Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Dear Ex-Friend

It's been a long time. I remember the old days when we were in school. I had this heavy mix of emotions as I recall those days we spent together. I was happy, but remembering them now, it felt odd.

Why this letter? I have doubts you would ever find this, but this is the only way I know to let this out. For the first and last time.  Somehow, I felt like you needed to know. After all these years.

It all came back when I saw a photo of myself wearing a blue shirt and red sneakers. I told myself you would hate or laugh at me because you were such a monochromatic person. I wasn't. I smiled at myself because for sure you would tell me I looked like the Philippine flag. And then memories came all flooding back...

Our friendship had a wonderful start. We instantly clicked like twins separated at birth and had only met for the first time at age seventeen. The two of us and the rest of our friends were like pieces of a puzzle that perfectly fit when put together. And I want to thank you for those happy moments...

Later then when school was over, and real life began for all of us, our friendship was tested by time and, probably change. Many things had happened that I thought to myself maybe I had only misinterpreted your actions, or the words you said so I let it all pass by and never held it against you. But at the end I only realized that you did not really change. That was what you really were to me all along. 

I didn't hate you. I hated the way you treated me and I was hurt like hell. I was miserable when I was jobless, and all I got was you on the phone talking about your glorious job and told me only those with the nicest smiles could join your company. That was one of the worst so I decided that maybe you were not the right person to run to when I needed comfort. It was a little too late to realize...

Years ran by, and after many desperate attempts to avoid you (that I had succeeded in most) I never lost the hope that things would change for the better. And they did. But you, did not. I still felt that same feeling when we're together that it wasn't a genuine love and respect for a friend that was supposed to be there from the very beginning. It almost came down to thinking you were just insecure, but who was I to ever thought of that.  It never really felt home with you. All I ever wanted was to run away from your presence all the time. It never felt right anymore.

Past forward to now, as I am typing this, I am okay with or without you, with the memories of the past, and our relationship now that I had painfully worked hard on.  And I'm glad about it. The pain and grudges are long gone and surely it will never come back because that chapter in my life has been closed already. It took me completing two stages of grief, and quite a number of self-pity to become the strong person that I have become to finally let go of that ugly part of my life which was our so-called friendship. 

I'd probably see you occasionally, maybe share drinks (in our case food) with you and come home not even thinking about the past anymore. I'm happy. I hope you are happy with your life too. And if fate and circumstance allow, we could start fresh and be good friends. But not for now. Because the wounds are healed but the scars are still clear. I wish you all the best in life!


1 comment:

  1. When it gets to the stage where you never feel at home with the person, and want to run away from their presence all the time because it feels wrong, it's definitely time to let them go. The thing is, you can become friends by accident in your teens or early twenties with someone you aren't really suited to, and it can go on for 20 years, and then you find yourself making efforts to visit them and then having a terrible time... Things that you tolerated at 25 become unendurable at 40. So best to let it fizzle out earlier on.


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