Right Now (July 8, 2022)

I am okay right now. I want to write this post when I'm feeling okay. In the past few months, my emotions are like waves. Earlier I felt horrible. I was afraid, if there's any word more intense that afraid, consider that. I was anxious about the future. My mother, who's getting weaker and I am hoping that she will be still with us for as long as she wants. I pray every night that when that day she'll be leaving us, it would be peaceful and free from pain. 

Most of the time I'm okay. I am at peace with my situation and I believe that where I am right now is where I'm supposed to be in my life. I put  all my faith that things are going to be okay. It's all gonna be okay. That during difficult times I have to keep myself calm, but at the same time acknowledge my emotions. If I'm sad, I let myself be sad. When I'm miserable, I acknowledge that and believe that it will pass. 

It's been more than two months since I left my work. I don't really miss the job. I loved my job, it's the system and micromanagement that I despised the most. Sooner or later, I need to get a new one. I have been financially independent for a very long time. I don't want to depend on my husband and my sisters with my needs. I have to start getting back and picking up where I left with my bookkeeping course, and get a client soon to earn some money. I hope and pray that freelancing is for me. 

Yesterday I turned 42. My sisters prepared some food for all of us. I'm not really a celebrating kind of person. I want to celebrate other people's birthday, but not really  mine. I'm just glad to be alive and experience all I can experience in my life. I'm just happy to be surrounded with my family, I'm contented being at home with my husband even without doing anything. This is vacation enough for me. I'm happy when my family is happy. I realized that I don't really need a lot in life. When I asked myself "what do I really want for my birthday this year", looking deep within myself I have already have everything I need. I am contented.

I am okay that if anytime time now, my mother is "leaving". I can be okay with losing her than see her suffer and in pain. I have spent 42 years with her. When she's gone, it like a part of me will taken away, but that's life. I spend as much time with her while she's still her because I know I will miss her forever. I still can't help but cry every time I think about the days when she's no longer here.